Marriage Advice From the Aisles of Wal-Mart

Here I am writing you all, after a longer than anticipated break from blogging.  In the beginning of 2013 I felt like I was hitting a stride in my schedule and routine and how I was going to fit everything (being a wife and mom to three kiddos, house duties, and homeschool, etc.) into a day.  Then, I got the positive pregnancy test.  We are so excited to be expecting a beautiful baby girl this September! She is a large blessing to us, but after miscarrying the month before I was nervous and worried and not wanting to share with others (except Gerad, obviously).  The amount of time between my last blog post became more and more and I felt more and more guilty, like I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain and I should just not post at all.  Then, the morning sickness hit and I went through a period of time where I struggled greatly! (I will post more on this later, but I felt like I wasn’t living like I wanted to be, so what could I share here?) I struggled with finding the time or energy to write, ideas for posts didn’t just pop into my head like they did before.  This post from Lisa Jo Baker came across my facebook feed, and while it was meant to be encouraging and it was; I felt like I was failing and being fake to you if I posted here, instead of just sharing my struggles (the thing I struggle with the most and yet, wish others would do more of).

Lisa Jo said this,

I need to mother less and wife more.

Talk about a smack in the face.  I realized that while I am pregnant I all too often put the little life inside of me in front of the man I love, even, in front of my relationship with Christ, the one who gave me the blessing of life inside of me.  So, I have been working on these things, I have been trying to mother less and be a great wife more.  I have been making it a priority get up earlier (even though my flesh is exhausted) to study and spend time in the Word.  You know what?  It’s paying off. I am nowhere near perfect, and have plenty to work on, but I am working on it, with Christ.  I am letting Him refine me through a closer relationship with Him.  Maybe you aren’t pregnant, maybe its something different that is causing you to feel like you don’t measure up.  Here’s the thing, we don’t measure up, we can’t measure up, but each day His grace and mercy are new and available to us.  Take the step of faith today to work on “that thing” you won’t regret it.

And just as a funny story, the other day I was in Wal-Mart and an older (read, grandma type) lady told me she felt sorry for me (the expected high temperature was 105).  This struck up a conversation about our kids.  She had 11 children and thinks it great when she sees big families out (because people seem to think 4 kiddos is a big family).  She said she used to get asked all the time if she knew what caused that? (something, we have been asked many times.) Her response was, “Of course we do, but we enjoy it!”  I did not expect that from her, but it made me chuckle as I walked away from our conversation.  She had no idea how refreshing it was to hear a positive story about marriage in the aisles of Wal-Mart.

Here’s to more blog posts coming your way :)

More Than Just Flowers

Image Credit

Last week Benjamin (he’s 5), asked his dad to bring me home flowers from him. (He does this every once in a while.  For my birthday he gave his dad very specific instructions on what type of flowers to buy me.  He wanted pink roses.)  Gerad got home from work and Ben was right there waiting to see where they were.  I heard Gerad say, ‘on the freezer’ but didn’t think much of it.  A few seconds go by and then Ben comes in with a bouquet of flowers for me, beaming!  I adore the fact that he wants to buy me flowers and show me love like that.  I know he’s learning how to treat his future wife (eek, I don’t want to think about that for a while!) and feel so blessed he has Gerad as his example.

Here’s the thing, I oohed and ahhed over the flowers, I posted a picture on facebook, I made sure he knew how much I appreciated them and what they mean to me.  I praised his sweet and caring heart and gave him the love he was hoping to get from his mom.  I also, reminded Gerad he’s doing a good job as a dad training Ben up.

Then, God reminded me I need to treat Gerad that way too.  See, I’m not a big flowers girl, I don’t usually ooh and ah over them.  I don’t often tell Gerad how sweet he is for thinking of me.  I don’t talk about them the next day, sometimes I don’t even post a picture on facebook. (On our anniversary this year, Gerad posted the picture.)  I was giving my son more praise and thanks for flowers than I give Gerad.

Why? Because I know he loves me? Because I expect sweet gestures from him? Because we are comfortable in our relationship? Because I am taking him for granted? Gerad needs my encouragement and praise MORE than our children!  I need to make sure he is getting that from me.

Maybe you react well when receiving a gift, but you complain about sitting and watching football with your husband on Sunday afternoon, after you spent Saturday morning cheering your kids on at their sporting events.  Whatever little thing it is, make sure you keep your husband #1 so that he and your kids know it!

Sexual Satisfaction Survey:The Results are in – The Numbers! (Part 3)

I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to get the rest of these results up to you.  Mission:Husband was on the ball, and I felt like I was really far behind!  I spoke at our church’s women’s advance last weekend and preparing for that took me a lot of time.  I’m pretty sure I made it harder than it really was!  I know that God gave me the right words to say, even though I was a little unsure!

This post is going to be the women’s results from the survey.  It has all the numbers from the questions.  The pictures are a little hard to read, just click on them and they open in a slideshow.  In follow-up posts I’m going to address some of the issues I see that we are doing great (as a whole) on and some of the things I learned reading the answers from the husbands.

Thanks again for being a part of Mission:Wife, I am blessed by all of you!

Sexual Satisfaction Survey: The Results Are In! Part 2

Here’s the rest of the responses.  If you missed Part 1, please read it first.

• How much I enjoy giving/receiving oral sex
• I have shared this before but I don’t think she truly believes me when I say that my desire for sexual interaction is more out of a desire for greater emotional and spiritual connection than it is for the physical aspect.
• I wish she would be willing to try something different/change things up a bit. I would love to have oral sex with to her and from her…………frustrated – i can’t get her to talk about it
• I get as much if not more out of sheing her experience pleasure, as I do from having my own orgasm.
• Dont change a thing!
• Most enjoyment for me is to see her have pleasure.
• Sexual energy is the difference between ok sex and great sex. More than any position, foreplay, use of vibrator or any location.
• Withholding sex is abuse. Sex is fundamental to marriage and if you do not want to “get fixed” then true marriage is over, whether we live together or not.
• It is Gods desire
• Her affection and attention is a shield from sin. Among all the other benefits emotionally, and physical. We both were carnal and living in sin when we met, and are still dealing with the scars. There is recent improvement in our commitment to the lord and each other, but the scars are deep and we have a long way to go.
• having a desire for her sexually once a week doesn’t make me a pervert or a sex addict and pornography doesn’t give me what I want, only she does.
• That I will do whatever it takes to ensure she enjoys sex as much or more than I do.
• Sex is more than physical release, it is heart to heart. It hurts – a lot – when you reject me
• Feel the freedom to enjoy new, fun things, like oral sex and finding your g spot.
• It is not all about the physical act.
• She really is sexy to me.
• It’s important to me that you’re into having sex and that you let me know that you want sex.
• our situation also adversely hurts her and our family.
• You don’t know what you’re missing – I’m sure God intended sex to be a lot more satisfying for you too.
• I want her to know the joy of sex.
• Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together, what does she need from me, outside of the bedroom, to make it more enjoyable
• How difficult it is to stay away from sin when my need is not met.
• its important..and I feel loved when we are having sex regularly
• I know it’s not a “need” like oxygen and food, but it’s so helpful and constructive to my sense of self, “need” is not too strong a word. I’m scared of the possibility (however remote) that some other woman would, for whatever reason, show me that kind of valuing attention while I’m so hungry for it because you haven’t given it to me. We have a phenomenal marriage in so many ways; once we go ahead and have sex you get an orgasm, and have a good time. Why can’t you just find a way to go along, not to fake it, but just try, even just once a week? I miss that part of being with you.
• That when she is being herself (rather than living up to expectations) I am the most at peace with her and able to be free myself
• Abstinence in the marriage is going to cause the dissolution of the marriage.
• I really want ot satisfy you, but it seems I can’t. I love you so much.
• Enjoy sex with me as much as you can
• I really do need sex to feel connected to you.
• At about the 15yr mark of our 18yr marriage we had a big blowup about sex… one of many. But this time she got it… ie how important sex is to me.
• Since then sex has just been getting better and better. I’m extremely pleased with our sex life these days.
• She values our sex life more now, then when we were first married.
• You are a beautiful woman and even more beautiful than ever when you think you are beautiful.
• I am not in a mental place to withstand the rejection of sexual refusal – and promises not kept for “later” or “tomorrow” or “when we wake up” hurts almost as bad as flat out rejection.
• You want me to talk to you. But I talk to you way more often than we have sex. Sex is as important a method of communication as talking is, and it is my way of connecting with you.
• We both would say we have a truly great marriage in every area but sexually. We love each other deeply, enjoying being together, doing life and ministry together. We have a great family, a son and a daughter who are married to godly spouses. We have grandchildren that are being raised in godly, Christ centered families. My wife and I do fun and exciting things together. There was a time when we had a good sex life together in which we both climaxed every time and we are very knowledgeable. We have even taught a very intimate marriage class that was biblically centered but really was a stretch for some in our church. We spoke and gave instruction that was candid, biblical, clinically based. Two years ago she stopped taking HRT as encouraged by her OB-GYN. Her vagina and her interest in sex dried up to nothing, literally. Her vaginal walls thinned and atrophied. I loving encouraged her to consult her doctor, but she waited until her next scheduled appointment. Her doctor was taken back by her condition and unable to examine her due to condition. We have tried everything and iI have researched everything. Coconut oil is a lifesaver but it cannot cure/create desire. I love her beyond belief, we talk about it and we will have sex once then not again for months. I do not demand and just die to it. She is a very beautiful girl that is very well liked and admired by all. She is capable, bright, articulate and has a servant spirit. She does not hate sex but it is a lot of work mentally and physically for her. I a trusting The Lord and resting in Him and hopeful.
• i’m trying to change whatever I can about myself to make this part of our relationship great…I wish she would do the same.
• Her lack of desire is tied to a medical issue, so I under stand it.
• That her limited sharing of physical affections is extremely demoralizing and discouraging to me.
• That regular sex is a legitimate need in a healthy marriage.
• I want you to be active in our sex life…not just laying there. I feel like theres no love in it because you never initiate it and dont get involved other than just laying there.
• how important it is to me
• If you would make me and our sex life your top priority, I would feel so loved and you’d probably see many other areas in our marriage improve.
• Sex is very important to me and to our marriage.
• I wish she would make wearing lingerie or at least matching underwear a higher priority.
• Grow up!
• That sex is an important and healthy part of marriage.
• I need to have sex more often when I want it and not always have to wait until you allow it to happen.
• Sex is my way of saying and showing my love for you
• That just because she isn’t in the mood or tired, a 5 minutes hand job would be just fine.
• sex is important for me to feel close to her
• I WANT ORAL SEX
• My need for it and and the effects of her rejection on me
• I realy do not feel loved at all even though you say you do love me.
• I wish we had sex more often
• I need sex to connect with her.
• My sex drive and desire for sex is not because I am “oversexed”. There is a deeper emotional component to sex for me that she does not seem to give me credit for.
• More oral sex
• If I don’t feel like she has a strong sexual desire for me the I don’t feel like she loves me. Apathy toward our sex life is apathy toward me and our marriage. Her lack of desire to do anything to increase her desire is as bad as any other sexual unfaithfulness.
• There will always be a reason or excuse not to make love to your husband, but just remeber, if you reject him, that effects how he feels about himself. And also keep in mind that you want things that you demand that he does and if he dosent do those things you demand change, when he talks about it listen and change. Just do it.
• intimacy is sacred and breathes life into a marriage
• That pleasing her is the most important thing to me.
• Oral sex (giving and receiving) is VERY important to me
• It”s not just about quantity but also quality! i want to feel like I can please you!
• Initiate sex
• learn how to enjoy sex, orgasm
• That I need her to express desire for me and sex is needed to connect emotionally with her.
• Open up to idea of oral sex
• How hurtful it is that she just doesn’t ever think about sex, that whenever I ask her how long it has been, she answers just a few days or a week, even if it has been over 2-3 weeks In the past, we have had sex only 5-6 times a year, and she didn’t seem to even notice.
• She is irresistible even through 4 kids and weight gain and I love her so much. And it would help if she would initiate consistently.
• Just do it
• Try new things
• Sex isn’t just something I want, but something I need.
• I love you, I need you, I want you… you are the most beautiful woman to me in the whole world. Please don’t let your body image keep us apart!
• I need to feel her wanting to be close to me in order to fend off the stress of life
• Initiate
• I have no idea. I don’t believe she would listen.
• Im here for you no matter what happened when your father sexually abuse you as a child. Please trust me and believe me.
• How important it is forger to be affectioate toward me.
• When she regets me sexually it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. I need for her show me she wants me as much as I want her.
• Be more involved emotionally
• I need it; I need her to want it and initiate it to show me she still loves me, that I’m a priority.
• I enjoy bringing her to climax and we need that in our marriage as well as my climaxing
• It seems to make our overall relationship better.
• I wish our sex life was as high on priority list of what she does for me, as cooking ,cleaning, and taking care of physical needs….
• It’s more about the connection than the physical act.
• to get her understand what (lack of) sex meens to me
• Sex is to me what coffee is to you!
• That sex for me is like emotional connection is to her. Im running on vapor most of the time, that I want her to actually want me to make her feel good, instead of just having sex out of some obligation :(
• It’s how I feel connected.
• Sex is how I connect with her
• I would love to have you more often!
• How important sex is with her and how important it should be (or I wish it would be) to her
• That having sex with her means so much more than just the physical act. That when she turns me down it’s pretty much like saying she doesn’t love me. But most of all how great it would make me feel for her to initiate or even desire sex half as much as I do.
• the importance is more than physical release it is the connection and focus on each other
• Find more time for it.
• Take a deep breath and relax. It is not your fault you do not orgasm every time we have sex.
• Sex makes me feel connected and valued
• The way a woman plays with dolls and dreams of being a mother, and the way a woman dresses as a bride and dreams of her wedding day, that’s the way that every night, every day a young man plays with his penis and dreams of his wedding night and all the nights after. Sex is a big, big, big deal and if it weren’t for the promise of sex no normal man would ever take on the responsibilities of marriage. Without sex, being married isn’t worth it, because a man can legally and Biblically have everything in the marital relationship – except the sex – without being married. God’s permission to have sex is the ONLY reason any man needs to get married. When it’s missing, it’s a BIG BIG BIG BIG deal – just as much as it would be for the wife if there were “no conversation” or “no romance.” There are all sorts of Christian and even secular counselors that tell men how important it is to “go slow”, “be romantic,” “be giving,” “be chivalrous” and all that stuff, and rightfully so as it is important and there is no excuse for a man NOT to be those things to his wife. But it is equally important – and it is too bad that there is not equal guidance/pressure on women to understand 0 that it is a wife’s JOB AND RESPONSIBILITY to be a satisfying sexual partner for her husband – it is what she signs up for, and she is every bit as much a failure as a wife if she doesn’t do that as a husband is if he doesn’t do the things he is supposed to do. Yet that is not the way this society operates. A man who shirks his responsibilities as a husband gets all of the blame (and rightfully so). A wife who shirks her sexual responsibility – oh, well, no big deal, and furthermore her neglected husband is still “blamed” or at least made to feel guilty if he does anything less than just suck it in and put up with it like a martyr and continue to do all of his responsibilities anyway because Biblically he’s supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the church – fully and unconditionally – no matter how rottenly his wife treats him by failing to meet his sexual needs.
• Just do it! Practice makes perfect. 3 quickies a month and NOTHING else is WORSE than nothing. If you don’t want me, you shouldn’t have married me. Don’t preach to me when 1 Cor 7:1-5 is glaring back at you. (Sorry, I vented a little)
• Lack of sex is killing me….
• It’s not just sex, its a connection. It is the second step to figuring out many areas of disconnect. After making sure that our relationship with God is flowing, sex makes “life” flow and issues of the world fade. If my wife and I are together, nothing is impossible
• I feel blessed to have you as my wife. I have absolutely no complaints about our sex life. You’re the best.
• I have tried e everything I can think of and my wife does not enjoy sex. She does it for me and I get full enjoyment from her happiness.
• Sex is more than the physical act. Sex represents a greater level of intimacy on a mental and emotional level. Being physically present is nice, but emotionally present is what makes sex and intimacy great.
• Less is not more, more is more. Sex = connection to me
• How dificult it is on me psychologically. She thinks it’s all about just physical release.
• I don’t feel love without it
• Sex is how I feel connected to her. We can both open up to each other and be so present with just ourselves. When I’m turned down 90-95% of the time it’s like my needs are unimportant. As long as her needs (which don’t seem to contain sex) are met then there’s no reason mine should need to be met and just be happy with the relationship as it is.
• Sex is my most basic need to feel loved, accepted, connected, and when that is brushed aside I feel like I don’t matter.
• How it is the easiest way for her to make me feel loved and appreciated.

Sexual Satisfaction Survey:The Results Are In!

A little over two weeks ago Mission:Wife and Mission:Husband ran a set of “sexual satisfaction surveys” – one for us wives and one for our husbands.  There were almost 800 responses combined, the results show what you probably know: sex is an issue in a lot of marriages.

It’s easy to look at the results of the survey and think, “Wow, I’m glad that’s not me” or  “I’m not as bad a that wife because I don’t (fill in the blank).”  We want the survey results to challenge you, to become better at the things you struggle with, to cause you and your husband to have an open dialogue about your sex life, the good and the bad.

There are a lot of results and it gets overwhelming, so instead of posting them all, the results will be broken into different posts.  To start off I’m going to post the results from the husbands survey (we know what we are doing) so we can learn what husbands are thinking and feeling and find out if our spouse feels the same way.  We asked the question, “If you could get across on thing to your wife about sex, and know that you could say it in a way he would totally understand it, what would it be?”  Some of the answers are positive and some are filled with pain and hurt.  I have not edited the responses in any way unless there was vulgarity , or profanity.  There are a lot of these, but I think its worth your time to read them all (This is half of them, I’ll post the rest tomorrow, I didn’t want you to quit reading).

Before you do though … Please take a chance to pray for God to give you the right attitude and desire to change.  This will be tough to read, some have so much pain and you may relate to some of the comments.  The attitude we take this criticism with matters, remember its worth it to work on your marriage.

• Sex is from God for BOTH of our enjoyment
• How important it is to me that she show some interest in sex
• I have lost all desire for you because of your weight
• Sex is more than just ‘the act’. It’s a way for us to connect, to bond, to have a special shared experience that we should cherish and nourish.
• Our intimate relationship has become pretty one-sided. What can I do to help you feel confident enough to spend time developing your sexual identity?
• I can already tell her anything
• has been 10 years since last sex
• Loving a man means meeting his needs, including the ones you don’t understand.
• to talk through differences (especially sex) in a constructive way.
• Pleasuring you is my number one goal in sex.
• quality is great, i am working on the quantity
• I need you
• I don’t want sex with anyone else but you, that’s how I felt when I married you and continue to feel now. I need good sex and we both deserve a Great sex life, so let’s work together and make it Geeat for both of us.
• How important sex is to me, and not just the physical release.
• It is more than physical. It strengthens our marriage. She is the only one I want.
• My love for you drives my sex drive and you’re the only one I can and want to have sex with. I want you to feel about it the way I do.
• I want her to enjoy sex and be more of a participant.
• Initiate
• I need it more often than she thinks and I want to pleasure her just as often
• A little more would make me feel closer to you
• I want to be closer to her on every level possible and have the marriage God intends for us to have.
• Put yourself in my shoes.
• Always be available for some type of intamacy even if you can’t give your very best
• sex is my connection to her
• Thankfully my wife understands my need and drive and has worked hard to match it. (And sometimes she passes me up!) I’m a blessed man!!!
• I have felt lonely and rejected for so long because of all of the consistent rejection.
• I am more important than work and extended family
• Sex is boring now.
• I have told her that I am honestly trying to live out Eph 5:25-33. The change is phenomenal. From 2 or 3 times a month we now have sex 2 or 3 times a week.
• When I do ask for sex, turn the damn television off now, not when your show is over.
• I need the emotional connection that sex provides a lot more then just getting off.
• Sex is not “not nice”
• Get your act together sexually, read some material online, figure out how your body works, show me your effort to enjoy sex more – or this is going to end badly
• I would like her to actively desire to be intimate with me sexually and otherwise.
• I want to Know how to please you sexualy she will not comunicate this information . she says she does not know how and is unwilling to learn or help me learn. verry frustraitng
• I love you very much and I need you physically, as much as I do spiritually and emotionally.
• I still feel guilty wanting you. Like it’s wrong. Like I don’t deserve it. Like you don’t need it or want it and would rather not want it.
• As I attempt to fulfill your emotional, communication, financial, etc., needs, I need my sexual needs to be met as well. My needs are not a reflection of you and should be centered on me.
• Its awesome, and great, could be more frequent, but I’m sorry I don’t usually want it as much as you do.
• It’s really as important for me as talking as a couple is for her.
• That a one flesh marriage is completely glorifying GOD in our bodies and we should empty ourselves in every aspect of the marriage as JESUS did for us on the CROSS.
• I feel that your desire for sex (both in quantity and quality) or lack there of demonstrates you attitude towards me as a person and husband.
• i would like to make love more often. I believe it is a great way to connect with you.
• I want you to show me more often that you want me sexually. Even though I know you love me, I feel unloved when I do not see your desire to have sex with me
• I think a healthy sex life is the product of a healthy mariage. One with out the other is almost impossible. And it takes BOTH to make it happen.
• I want her to want me, and to understand it’s as important to me as communication and emotional connection is to her.
• A satisfactory sex life is the best way to make me totally attracted to you and adoring you.
• I am still interested!
• Even though I’ve tried to make it so that sex is not important to me, it is.
• It’s important for both of us individually and for our marriage.
• Be confident in your attractiveness to us
• It means a lot if she initiates. It let’s me know she wants me and that she’s happy.
• Lets do it more often
• If we have sex our marriage will be better
• We can have a great sex life and a great marriage, if you put it a bit of effort.
• Do you have any idea how much you turn me on?
• Relax, enjoy, try something new or somplace new.
• How sex is the glue that can keep us together
• How central sex is to a mans overall health and productivity in life.
• Please just save some of your energy for me.
• You want/ expect us to communicate everyday but I should be ok with sex once a week. What gives?
• It is very satisfying and means a lot more when she initiates it or makes it obvious that she wants to be there, and not just doing it to “put up” with my desire.
• sex is another important way we relate to each other, remind us we love each other
• I know I cannot change her “want to” but somehow I just wish she would genuinely want to give me oral sex, or a hand job or even masturbate in front of me (we haven’t gone there yet). Otherwise it just seems like she’s doing it out of obligation which isn’t very erotic.
• I love sex with her. It is important that she is the one I have sex with.
• Sex is not what makes a marriage great but it is the guaranteed result of all great marriages. Im not a horndog i just really love you.
• She doesn’t realize how important sex is to me as a way to show our love for each other, so treating like an unpleasant chore hurts me deeply.
• Most of my unmet sexual desire is when she is having her period and I don’t know how to ask during a time that she isn’t comfortable being pleased. I don’t want to appear selfish, but I don’t want to ignore my needs either.
• I want you to want me not just take care of my needs. A little less talk and alot more action please? Imbibe deeply oh lovers!
• I don’t just want sex. I need her to respect me too.
• i feel badly about any given sexual encounter we share when you won’t communicate about how i can best please you and then actively engage in letting me try to … i want to feel as good about being your lover and arousing and satisfying you as you feel about being my lover and arousing and satisfying me .. i want to feel that we are mutually enjoying it , not like you are ‘letting’ me
• If you don’t think about me, aren’t interested in me, and don’t initiate 1/4 to 1/2 of the time, I don’t see a reason to ask any longer. I feel unwanted and burdensome when I do.
• I would like her to initiate more often.
• My drive for the physical side of sex, which she is now avoiding, was given to us by God primarily to bless, fulfill, thrill, delight, complete, satisfy, enrapture and bring her to perfection. The emotional communicative side drive that she has, was given to us by God to achieve similar things for/in me. Our drives are to the benefit of the other. We each feel frustrated when our partner rebuffs our overtures, and overjoyed when we discover what wonderful fulfillment our partner finds and even exceeds us in when they open up to our drive. My own drive will become more fulfilling to me in the very fact of how much it blesses you – BECAUSE in as much as I have a will I will to bless, thrill, fulfill ….. you. I Love You.
• How much I need her sexually and need her to desire me.
• Sex is really important to me.
• I want to share, not have
• i realyy want to satisfy her while at the same time, need her to get ‘wild’ with me. no more hum-drum sex
• Sexual intimacy in a marriage benefits BOTH parties and is not just a husband’s need. It’s the one aspect of the marriage that is exclusive and therefore powerfully bonds a couple together in a way that cannot not be duplicated.
• we are free to have fun
• my love & desire for sexual activity with her and her beautiful body is like a hunger & need for food that craves to be satisfied by HER physically & psychologically. satisfying her sexually is a very important component of that need
• It’s important that during sex to show and express that you want not only sex but your husband. Sex is good but better when desire and admiration is shown.
• How it impacts my self-esteem when she rejects and/or isn’t as physical towards me in general as she was years ago.
• God created sex for us to enjoy with our spouse and to draw us closer.
• If she even has an incling that I might want sex or sex crosses her mind she should initiate. Her initiating shows she cares about sex and isn’t just going through the motions.
• relationship is more that just being roommates
• Sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I feel closer to her when we have it. Once or twice a month is not enough, and I’d feel desired if she’s initiate.
• I would really like if you initiated more and also feel sometimes you really need meed badly right now!!!
• I know that you are really busy with the kids, work and school, but a little more intimacy – even if it doesn’t lead to sex – would be nice.
• Not committing to have a better sex life shows you don’t care about our marriage
• Sex for me is so much more than the physical act. It is a very strong way in which I feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally connected to you. Without regular sex, a true desire to be with each other and please each other, I don’t feel connected….i feel alone.
• It’s hard as she is often tired and feels that I’m pressuring her. We both end up feeling guilty her for not being a “good” wife me for making her guilty. Having read many post on generous husband I’m aware that I could do a lot moreT to make her happier lived and valued rather than a failure. So really i want to give more, so the love making will flow out of a deepening of our relationship
• To understand how important it is to me.
• Sex is important to a strong marriage and communication about sex is as important as communication about other things.
• being intimate should be more of a priority
• I feel most loved when she makes the effort to be intimate with me. When we do have sex it is more often than not the last thing she does during the day and she hasn’t exhausted herself with what she has determined are higher priorities.
• It’s all good, try it.
• I masterbate because I need sex when wife is not available (usually because of physical problems). I have problems getting strong enough erections with just my thoughts and imagination and so I use porn to get enough of an erection.
• Just because I am driven by a physiological need for sex, and very much enjoy sex, does not mean that I think sex is more important than she is.
• When she rejects sex as unimportant she rejects me as unimportant
• The Bible doesn’t say, “do not deprive each other, except for during your period.”
• Be engaged is as important as frequency! I want input and participation
• I would feel better about myself and more attractive if she would initiate sex more often. Even though she does not deny me it very often when I initiate but I would like her to initiate more often.
• I need sex.
• I want it to be something we both really enjoy together as a couple
• How sex helps me feel close to her and builds stronger bonds.
• I need her to be engaged in it mentally and physically.
• That being sexually desired is a big part of my self-esteem, please initiate and help my ego about my sexuality. I am a man and am easier to get interested in sex. but it should not only be something that is only done after all the chores have been done. It makes me feel like I am the least-important chore on the to-do list.
• How can you not want to make me happy? I would do ANYTHING for you. I give and give and give to us…….
• I love you and want to be closer to you emotionally and physically. I feel like the lack of physical closeness represents a barrier to emotional closeness and lack of desire for closeness on your part.
• How big a deal sex is to me and our marriage and how bad it makes me feel when sex is the very last thing on her to do list behind kids, household tasks, her business, running, etc only happening if somehow she still has energy left at the end of the night after completing everything on her to do list.
• I want her to be happy when we have sex
• To be active in having sex, not just to lay there and let me finish.
• Your ambivalence, disinterest, and rejection is killing me.
• Doing all 3 (vaginal, manual, oral) is important & makes me feel like she cherishes every part of me and wants to show her appreciation
• That we need to schedule time for each other to enjoy sex at least twice a week. Both getting satisfied.
• Sex is vitally important: if a man is not getting it in his marriage bed, he will look elsewhere for it.
• I love her so much and don’t want sex to be a one sided thing where I get pleasure and she doesn’t, I truly want her to enjoy it.
• How much of a divide not having sex puts between us.
• Sex helps me feel emotionally closer to you.
• Let’s try new things/positions on a regular basis
• This ultimately just as important for her as it is for me…disinterest damages US.

What things surprised you?  What did you find challenging?

Are you seeking?

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I was recently watching the live streaming messages from the conference True Woman ’12, hosted by Nancy Leigh Demoss.  It  was an amazing conference, I’m going to touch on some points Nancy Leigh made and make them applicable to our marriages.  If you’d like to hear the message, it’s here.

While listening to her message I figured out the ‘secret’ to marriage.  It’s so simple and yet so easy to push off its importance.  The key to marriage is to seek Him.  So often we forget that, we expect our husband to help solve all of our problems, we think he is the one who can fix everything and fill the longing in our heart.  Truth is, he can’t. We put so much emphasis on pursuing our spouse, having fun together, and communication and when we do XYZ we think its all going to fall into place.  The thing is the only thing that can make my marriage better, is me pursuing a deeper and better relationship with God.  The same goes for you.  Even if your spouse is not a believer, becoming more like Jesus and pursuing a relationship with Him is going to give you the strength and grace you need to be Jesus to them. (One Flesh Marriage has a great post on ‘being a salty spouse,’ its worth the read even if you spouse is a Christian.)

Your marriage is very important to God, but He designed your relationship with Him to be first. Now, I hear you saying, ‘ but I’m a Christian I love God with all my heart, I lead a Bible Study with ladies from my church and I am always serving at our church.’ Here’s the thing, serving is NOT seeking!

In Song Of Solomon 3 she loses her lover and yearns for him (NLT).  We’ve all been there, yearning for our lover, we sometimes forget though what its like to yearn for Christ.  If we take the time to seek and yearn for Christ and build our relationship with Him, He will mold us into the wife that He created us to be.  Not only can he help me with all of the problems and concerns I have, He will never let me down.  He can show me how to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19).  Oh, how I need to learn that lesson, and all it takes is drawing close to Him, building a relationship with Him, and putting Him first and our husbands second, just like He created it to be.

My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Psalm 27:8

Sexual Satisfaction Survey: His & Hers

Sex (or lack of it) is a huge issue in a lot of marriages (for years it was an issue in ours). Gerad and I created these surveys in the hope that the results (which we’ll share with our readers) would help us understand from both sides what needs work, and what the “big issues” are in the bedroom. Please help us and take a few minutes to fill out the following surveys. Both surveys are completely confidential, and don’t ask for your name.

Survey for HUSBANDS

Survey for WIVES

Help, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

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The other night we were watching TV and a “Life-Alert” commercial came on.  After the line, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” Ben says to me, “Mom, you should get one of those, just in case.”  We all had a good laugh.  Then I started thinking, what happens if we fall in our marriage?  Who is going to be there to pick you up?  Do you have a couple you could turn to and let them know the knitty-gritty of your relationship?  Do you have a plan for when something goes wrong, when life doesn’t go as we planned? What if there is a miscarriage to deal with? The birth of a premature baby? A parent with cancer? There are so many opportunities in life to “fall” in marriage; to walk away from what you know what God designed marriage to be.  You need a couple you can turn to, a couple that can point you back to God’s design for marriage, a couple who can hold you accountable when they see signs of “falls” in your marriage.

This weekend: Take some time to talk to your spouse, pray together to find a couple who will help you in your marriage like this.  Talk to them and ask them if they will be your “life-alert.”  Meet with them, even if its just for dinner every so often so they know your marriage and can warn you when they see signs of “falls ahead.”

Cruise Control

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Cruise control is a blessing when you are driving on the highway or freeway.  It saves you the pain of trying to keep a steady speed, the pain of continually readjusting your foot because it fell asleep while you were driving.
Cruise control is not a blessing in our marriages.  We can’t just hit a button and cruise through life.  Life is too distracting for that.  We’ll end up making a pit stop, messing up our marriage along the way.  Cruising through marriage is so easy to do!  You have a few good days so you think its ok to not work on it for a couple of days.  What happens is you fall so far away from each other in a SHORT time!  You are suddenly living with a stranger, someone you don’t even know.  (Please don’t think people who ‘have a good marriage’ in your eyes are exempt from this in anyway.  Gerad and I were talking about how we could easily be right there.  We have to make the decision to keep working on our marriage and oneness each day.)

The problem gets really bad when one or both of you just give up … Don’t give up!  Your marriage is worth it!

I challenge you this weekend to pursue your husband.  Find something fun to do together, grab your favorite pint of ice cream and share it, learn about something he’s interested in, watch the game with him (and maybe plan some half time ‘activities’.

(I’ll give you my best tip for watch sports with guys, promise you won’t tell them though! If you read the bottom of the screen where they are running information about the game, you’ll learn a lot and be able to interject into the conversation.  During football it tells you things like, this player has only had 3 sacks this year.  Guys (at least mine) get impressed when we can give them some stats about what they are watching.)

Housekeeping

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This post is to explain to you why I’ve been missing lately, not talk about keeping a clean house (that’s definitely not my forte and something I work on, but in no way should be blogging about). We just started our first year of homeschooling and my goal of posting 3 days a week is not working (I’m sure you’ve noticed by the lack of posts lately).  My new goal is to post every Thursday, if I get another post done during the week I’ll share it with you.  Please give me grace if this doesn’t happen every once in a while, I’m doing my very best and want to give you all good posts to read. Posts take me a while to write, I’m a think it through before I type it kind of person.  Thanks for all of your support, I appreciate all of you.