Tag Archives: Sex

Sexual Satisfaction Survey:The Results are in – The Numbers! (Part 3)

26 Oct

I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to get the rest of these results up to you.  Mission:Husband was on the ball, and I felt like I was really far behind!  I spoke at our church’s women’s advance last weekend and preparing for that took me a lot of time.  I’m pretty sure I made it harder than it really was!  I know that God gave me the right words to say, even though I was a little unsure!

This post is going to be the women’s results from the survey.  It has all the numbers from the questions.  The pictures are a little hard to read, just click on them and they open in a slideshow.  In follow-up posts I’m going to address some of the issues I see that we are doing great (as a whole) on and some of the things I learned reading the answers from the husbands.

Thanks again for being a part of Mission:Wife, I am blessed by all of you!

Sexual Satisfaction Survey:The Results Are In!

10 Oct

A little over two weeks ago Mission:Wife and Mission:Husband ran a set of “sexual satisfaction surveys” – one for us wives and one for our husbands.  There were almost 800 responses combined, the results show what you probably know: sex is an issue in a lot of marriages.

It’s easy to look at the results of the survey and think, “Wow, I’m glad that’s not me” or  “I’m not as bad a that wife because I don’t (fill in the blank).”  We want the survey results to challenge you, to become better at the things you struggle with, to cause you and your husband to have an open dialogue about your sex life, the good and the bad.

There are a lot of results and it gets overwhelming, so instead of posting them all, the results will be broken into different posts.  To start off I’m going to post the results from the husbands survey (we know what we are doing) so we can learn what husbands are thinking and feeling and find out if our spouse feels the same way.  We asked the question, “If you could get across on thing to your wife about sex, and know that you could say it in a way he would totally understand it, what would it be?”  Some of the answers are positive and some are filled with pain and hurt.  I have not edited the responses in any way unless there was vulgarity , or profanity.  There are a lot of these, but I think its worth your time to read them all (This is half of them, I’ll post the rest tomorrow, I didn’t want you to quit reading).

Before you do though … Please take a chance to pray for God to give you the right attitude and desire to change.  This will be tough to read, some have so much pain and you may relate to some of the comments.  The attitude we take this criticism with matters, remember its worth it to work on your marriage.

  • Sex is from God for BOTH of our enjoyment
  • How important it is to me that she show some interest in sex
  • I have lost all desire for you because of your weight
  • Sex is more than just ‘the act’. It’s a way for us to connect, to bond, to have a special shared experience that we should cherish and nourish.
  • Our intimate relationship has become pretty one-sided. What can I do to help you feel confident enough to spend time developing your sexual identity?
  • I can already tell her anything
  • has been 10 years since last sex
  • Loving a man means meeting his needs, including the ones you don’t understand.
  • to talk through differences (especially sex) in a constructive way.
  • Pleasuring you is my number one goal in sex.
  • quality is great, i am working on the quantity
  • I need you
  • I don’t want sex with anyone else but you, that’s how I felt when I married you and continue to feel now. I need good sex and we both deserve a Great sex life, so let’s work together and make it Geeat for both of us.
  • How important sex is to me, and not just the physical release.
  • It is more than physical. It strengthens our marriage. She is the only one I want.
  • My love for you drives my sex drive and you’re the only one I can and want to have sex with. I want you to feel about it the way I do.
  • I want her to enjoy sex and be more of a participant.
  • Initiate
  • I need it more often than she thinks and I want to pleasure her just as often
  • A little more would make me feel closer to you
  • I want to be closer to her on every level possible and have the marriage God intends for us to have.
  • Put yourself in my shoes.
  • Always be available for some type of intamacy even if you can’t give your very best
  • sex is my connection to her
  • Thankfully my wife understands my need and drive and has worked hard to match it. (And sometimes she passes me up!) I’m a blessed man!!!
  • I have felt lonely and rejected for so long because of all of the consistent rejection.
  • I am more important than work and extended family
  • Sex is boring now.
  • I have told her that I am honestly trying to live out Eph 5:25-33. The change is phenomenal. From 2 or 3 times a month we now have sex 2 or 3 times a week.
  • When I do ask for sex, turn the damn television off now, not when your show is over.
  • I need the emotional connection that sex provides a lot more then just getting off.
  • Sex is not “not nice”
  • Get your act together sexually, read some material online, figure out how your body works, show me your effort to enjoy sex more – or this is going to end badly
  • I would like her to actively desire to be intimate with me sexually and otherwise.
  • I want to Know how to please you sexualy she will not comunicate this information . she says she does not know how and is unwilling to learn or help me learn. verry frustraitng
  • I love you very much and I need you physically, as much as I do spiritually and emotionally.
  • I still feel guilty wanting you. Like it’s wrong. Like I don’t deserve it. Like you don’t need it or want it and would rather not want it.
  • As I attempt to fulfill your emotional, communication, financial, etc., needs, I need my sexual needs to be met as well. My needs are not a reflection of you and should be centered on me.
  • Its awesome, and great, could be more frequent, but I’m sorry I don’t usually want it as much as you do.
  • It’s really as important for me as talking as a couple is for her.
  • That a one flesh marriage is completely glorifying GOD in our bodies and we should empty ourselves in every aspect of the marriage as JESUS did for us on the CROSS.
  • I feel that your desire for sex (both in quantity and quality) or lack there of demonstrates you attitude towards me as a person and husband.
  • i would like to make love more often. I believe it is a great way to connect with you.
  • I want you to show me more often that you want me sexually. Even though I know you love me, I feel unloved when I do not see your desire to have sex with me
  • I think a healthy sex life is the product of a healthy mariage. One with out the other is almost impossible. And it takes BOTH to make it happen.
  • I want her to want me, and to understand it’s as important to me as communication and emotional connection is to her.
  • A satisfactory sex life is the best way to make me totally attracted to you and adoring you.
  • I am still interested!
  • Even though I’ve tried to make it so that sex is not important to me, it is.
  • It’s important for both of us individually and for our marriage.
  • Be confident in your attractiveness to us
  • It means a lot if she initiates. It let’s me know she wants me and that she’s happy.
  • Lets do it more often
  • If we have sex our marriage will be better
  • We can have a great sex life and a great marriage, if you put it a bit of effort.
  • Do you have any idea how much you turn me on?
  • Relax, enjoy, try something new or somplace new.
  • How sex is the glue that can keep us together
  • How central sex is to a mans overall health and productivity in life.
  • Please just save some of your energy for me.
  • You want/ expect us to communicate everyday but I should be ok with sex once a week. What gives?
  • It is very satisfying and means a lot more when she initiates it or makes it obvious that she wants to be there, and not just doing it to “put up” with my desire.
  • sex is another important way we relate to each other, remind us we love each other
  • I know I cannot change her “want to” but somehow I just wish she would genuinely want to give me oral sex, or a hand job or even masturbate in front of me (we haven’t gone there yet). Otherwise it just seems like she’s doing it out of obligation which isn’t very erotic.
  • I love sex with her. It is important that she is the one I have sex with.
  • Sex is not what makes a marriage great but it is the guaranteed result of all great marriages. Im not a horndog i just really love you.
  • She doesn’t realize how important sex is to me as a way to show our love for each other, so treating like an unpleasant chore hurts me deeply.
  • Most of my unmet sexual desire is when she is having her period and I don’t know how to ask during a time that she isn’t comfortable being pleased. I don’t want to appear selfish, but I don’t want to ignore my needs either.
  • I want you to want me not just take care of my needs. A little less talk and alot more action please? Imbibe deeply oh lovers!
  • I don’t just want sex. I need her to respect me too.
  • i feel badly about any given sexual encounter we share when you won’t communicate about how i can best please you and then actively engage in letting me try to … i want to feel as good about being your lover and arousing and satisfying you as you feel about being my lover and arousing and satisfying me .. i want to feel that we are mutually enjoying it , not like you are ‘letting’ me
  • If you don’t think about me, aren’t interested in me, and don’t initiate 1/4 to 1/2 of the time, I don’t see a reason to ask any longer. I feel unwanted and burdensome when I do.
  • I would like her to initiate more often.
  • My drive for the physical side of sex, which she is now avoiding, was given to us by God primarily to bless, fulfill, thrill, delight, complete, satisfy, enrapture and bring her to perfection. The emotional communicative side drive that she has, was given to us by God to achieve similar things for/in me. Our drives are to the benefit of the other. We each feel frustrated when our partner rebuffs our overtures, and overjoyed when we discover what wonderful fulfillment our partner finds and even exceeds us in when they open up to our drive. My own drive will become more fulfilling to me in the very fact of how much it blesses you – BECAUSE in as much as I have a will I will to bless, thrill, fulfill ….. you. I Love You.
  • How much I need her sexually and need her to desire me.
  • Sex is really important to me.
  • I want to share, not have
  • i realyy want to satisfy her while at the same time, need her to get ‘wild’ with me. no more hum-drum sex
  • Sexual intimacy in a marriage benefits BOTH parties and is not just a husband’s need. It’s the one aspect of the marriage that is exclusive and therefore powerfully bonds a couple together in a way that cannot not be duplicated.
  • we are free to have fun
  • my love & desire for sexual activity with her and her beautiful body is like a hunger & need for food that craves to be satisfied by HER physically & psychologically. satisfying her sexually is a very important component of that need
  • It’s important that during sex to show and express that you want not only sex but your husband. Sex is good but better when desire and admiration is shown.
  • How it impacts my self-esteem when she rejects and/or isn’t as physical towards me in general as she was years ago.
  • God created sex for us to enjoy with our spouse and to draw us closer.
  • If she even has an incling that I might want sex or sex crosses her mind she should initiate. Her initiating shows she cares about sex and isn’t just going through the motions.
  • relationship is more that just being roommates
  • Sex is a huge part of intimacy, and I feel closer to her when we have it. Once or twice a month is not enough, and I’d feel desired if she’s initiate.
  • I would really like if you initiated more and also feel sometimes you really need meed badly right now!!!
  • I know that you are really busy with the kids, work and school, but a little more intimacy – even if it doesn’t lead to sex – would be nice.
  • Not committing to have a better sex life shows you don’t care about our marriage
  • Sex for me is so much more than the physical act. It is a very strong way in which I feel emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally connected to you. Without regular sex, a true desire to be with each other and please each other, I don’t feel connected….i feel alone.
  • It’s hard as she is often tired and feels that I’m pressuring her. We both end up feeling guilty her for not being a “good” wife me for making her guilty. Having read many post on generous husband I’m aware that I could do a lot moreT to make her happier lived and valued rather than a failure. So really i want to give more, so the love making will flow out of a deepening of our relationship
  • To understand how important it is to me.
  • Sex is important to a strong marriage and communication about sex is as important as communication about other things.
  • being intimate should be more of a priority
  • I feel most loved when she makes the effort to be intimate with me. When we do have sex it is more often than not the last thing she does during the day and she hasn’t exhausted herself with what she has determined are higher priorities.
  • It’s all good, try it.
  • I masterbate because I need sex when wife is not available (usually because of physical problems). I have problems getting strong enough erections with just my thoughts and imagination and so I use porn to get enough of an erection.
  • Just because I am driven by a physiological need for sex, and very much enjoy sex, does not mean that I think sex is more important than she is.
  • When she rejects sex as unimportant she rejects me as unimportant
  • The Bible doesn’t say, “do not deprive each other, except for during your period.”
  • Be engaged is as important as frequency! I want input and participation
  • I would feel better about myself and more attractive if she would initiate sex more often. Even though she does not deny me it very often when I initiate but I would like her to initiate more often.
  • I need sex.
  • I want it to be something we both really enjoy together as a couple
  • How sex helps me feel close to her and builds stronger bonds.
  • I need her to be engaged in it mentally and physically.
  • That being sexually desired is a big part of my self-esteem, please initiate and help my ego about my sexuality. I am a man and am easier to get interested in sex. but it should not only be something that is only done after all the chores have been done. It makes me feel like I am the least-important chore on the to-do list.
  • How can you not want to make me happy? I would do ANYTHING for you. I give and give and give to us…….
  • I love you and want to be closer to you emotionally and physically. I feel like the lack of physical closeness represents a barrier to emotional closeness and lack of desire for closeness on your part.
  • How big a deal sex is to me and our marriage and how bad it makes me feel when sex is the very last thing on her to do list behind kids, household tasks, her business, running, etc only happening if somehow she still has energy left at the end of the night after completing everything on her to do list.
  • I want her to be happy when we have sex
  • To be active in having sex, not just to lay there and let me finish.
  • Your ambivalence, disinterest, and rejection is killing me.
  • Doing all 3 (vaginal, manual, oral) is important & makes me feel like she cherishes every part of me and wants to show her appreciation
  • That we need to schedule time for each other to enjoy sex at least twice a week. Both getting satisfied.
  • Sex is vitally important: if a man is not getting it in his marriage bed, he will look elsewhere for it.
  • I love her so much and don’t want sex to be a one sided thing where I get pleasure and she doesn’t, I truly want her to enjoy it.
  • How much of a divide not having sex puts between us.
  • Sex helps me feel emotionally closer to you.
  • Let’s try new things/positions on a regular basis
  • This ultimately just as important for her as it is for me…disinterest damages US.

What things surprised you?  What did you find challenging?

Sexual Satisfaction Survey: His & Hers

21 Sep

Sex (or lack of it) is a huge issue in a lot of marriages (for years it was an issue in ours). Gerad and I created these surveys in the hope that the results (which we’ll share with our readers) would help us understand from both sides what needs work, and what the “big issues” are in the bedroom. Please help us and take a few minutes to fill out the following surveys. Both surveys are completely confidential, and don’t ask for your name.

Survey for HUSBANDS

Survey for WIVES

Withholding Sex, Is It Really That Bad?

28 Aug

Image Credit

Okay ladies, this post may not be what you were looking to read today, but I feel like I need to address some of these issues.   See, Gerad has been getting a lot of comments over on mission:husband from husbands who aren’t satisfied with their sex lives and feel like their wife couldn’t care less.

Here’s an anonymous email:

Like many marriages, I have a stronger physical desire than my wife. Nothing new there. However, I don’t feel like I put out much pressure toward this. Sure, it is important to me, but I know she needs her space, so many times I let my desires fall by the wayside. Likewise, I am disappointed when I am turned down, which happens most of the time, but I also don’t request it that much (our frequency is around once every 10 days or so). Here’s the problem. My wife recently revealed to me that my desires for her “make me feel like a prostitute” (said with obvious disdain), and that “that is all you need me for”. I love my wife. She is a great person. I do all she asks, provide for what she needs, listen when she needs someone to talk to, and never lay out any requirements for what she needs to do or help me with. However, now I am mostly paralyzed to inaction to the point that I have lost desire for my wife. How can she feel this way? What am I not doing right?

I feel like I can address this because as I was reading this comment my heart broke for the couple, but also, because Gerad could have written that a year or two ago.  I was causing him so much pain and had no idea.  My views on sex in marriage were skewed. I grew up in the “don’t have sex until you get married, at all costs” camp.  Not a bad place to be, but I didn’t have anyone tell me how great it could be in marriage.  I mean I had the normal, “just wait, it’s so great,” comments, but no one really spoke into my life and told me how great it really is, and how important it is, and how much work it is. 

I started our marriage off like every other couple who don’t have sex until they get married, we had a lot of sex. Then life happened and I began to buy the lies.  I didn’t feel like having sex, I didn’t want to tonight and I tried my best to be loving in my rejection.  I didn’t understand why Gerad wanted or needed it all the time.  I bought the lie that says guys are just pigs, they don’t really need sex this often, it’s just their way of fooling us women,” 

I felt like if I was expected to “just give it to him” every 3 days or so because “my body is not my own.”  I didn’t know why didn’t he have to go without when I didn’t feel like having sex then.  I started to get frustrated with certain preachers on the topic of sex because I didn’t want to HAVE to give Gerad sex.  I was tired, I was working full-time, taking care of a 1-year-old at work, keeping a house etc.  You know, life.  Fast forward a year, I was a stay at home mom with 2 kids, under 3 trying to potty train one and clean the house while chasing the other. 

I NEVER wanted to have sex.  I still expected Gerad to meet each and every one of my needs, I certainly made sure he knew if he wasn’t meeting my needs in the way I expected, and it wasn’t usually in the nicest way.  I expected conversation, help around the house and with the kids, and if he even looked at me before that was done, I was irritated that he didn’t care that I wasn’t in the mood and therefore didn’t care about me. 

I started reading some marriage books on sex, hoping they might let me off the hook, they never did.  I started reading Is That All He Thinks About? How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband by Marla Taviano at the recommendation of One Flesh Marriage. This book definitely didn’t let me off the hook, at first it really kinda irritated me.  For some reason I kept reading and it changed everything!

In reference to a man’s heart she says,

It’s give and take.  We women give to a lot of people, but when it comes to our husbands, we often just take. And harp and complain when we think they’re not giving enough. “He’s just using me for sex,” we whine self-righteously.  And what are we using him for? A wedding ring? His sperm? …

OUCH!  I read this and saw myself in her paragraph.  I was the whiner, the complainer, the one who thought all my husband wanted was sex all the time. 

Okay, so you wonder if sex is really a “NEED” for him?  He just wants it to feel connected and for physical release you say? Here’s her reply

Whether or not sex is an actual ‘need’ for a guy is beside the point.  It sure feels like a need to him, and when we willingly meet that need for our husbands, they become very grateful indeed.

Ok, here’s my take on what she says, it may sound harsh but its the reality I’ve come to live with: I AM SELFISH! Utterly and immensely SELFISH!  I wanted to control when we had sex according to how I ‘feel’. 

I didn’t change overnight, it took time.  It wasn’t easy, I had to sacrifice, to choose to put Gerad above me.  I had to learn how God created him different from me, not poorly or needy, just different.  I began to look at Gerad the way God created him and to praise and appreciate the masculinity in him instead of trying to take it away and make him my girlfriend.  (You know, cuddle on the couch, listen to my day and then watch a girly movie with me, maybe have some ice cream and then go to bed type of girlfriend.  Sounds like a teenage girl sleepover to me.  Definitely not the way God wants me to see my husband.) I need to see him as the masculine figure God wants created him to be.  In turn, he treats and pursues me the way God desires for him to.

I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.
Song of Solomon 7:10

May her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
Proverbs 5:19

I’m pretty sure my husband can’t be intoxicated with my love if we have sex once a week, or month … I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be satisfied if we only had sex when I feel like it.  I have had to learn it’s not all about me.  Sometimes I wish it was, but it’s not.  And the beauty of God’s creation of sex in marriage is, he knew that once a wife has given herself to her husband that way, life seems to get in the way less.  I’m happier, I have more grace, more patience.  I speak kindly to my children when they annoy me.  Not because of the physical act of sex, but because I am honoring God in my relationship with my husband.

How can you do this? 

  • Pray
  • Pray
  • Learn what God says about sex, not the world.
  • Pray again

I can’t say it enough, pray!  Prayer is such an important tool in changing your attitude about sex.  I know it seems weird to pray about sex, at least it did to me first.  Then I realized it was something God created for our marriage.  When I was willing to be open and honest (not that God didn’t know anyway), the walls in my heart that were holding up the lies came crashing down.  I learned I was being selfish in so many areas, but if you would have asked me I would have never thought I was a selfish person.  I just bought the lies our society has pushed upon us about how guys are pigs…God changed my heart, there is no other explanation.  I dug deep and saw the selfishness, desire to control and have my way in other areas of our marriage and started working on it.  I’m a work in progress, I still have days where I struggle to want sex, or I complain that he’s asking again, it was just yesterday.  But I know this, you can do it!  God can change your attitude about sex, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be life changing!

That’s all I have for now, I’m going to address why sex is so important to our hubby’s in an upcoming post. 

If this is something you’re working on, or worked through I’d love to hear your story.

Linking with To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Ten Things Every Husband Wishes His Wife Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Her

5 Aug

I am so excited to share a guest post with you all today.  It’s written by my hubby who blogs over at mission:husband  (If you ever read his blog, which is a great resource for us wives, it’s like free access into our guys’ minds, you’ll know his posts are longer than mine, but worth it!). Gerad and I were having a discussion along the lines of this post and I said, “Hey, wanna write a guest post?”  He gladly agreed, so, without further ado, here’s Gerad.

I get a lot of emails from Wives wanting to “get inside the heads” of their husbands when it comes to how he acts, and reacts about sex. I realize all husbands are different, and some prefer some things over others, but overall, I feel that there are a lot of wives out there who REALLY WANT to make their sex life with their husband what God intended it to be, but sometimes get frustrated by not understanding why he’s always asking for sex, even when they just had it, or what he means when he says things like “I just want you to want me”.

So it’s for this reason, I decided to write this post. It’s not to make wives feel inadequate, or bad about what they’re not doing right, but rather to let you inside a guys head for a little bit, and help you understand where your husband is coming from when he is think about all things sexual. I think a lot of the problems that arise in a couple’s sex life, start with a lack of communication/understanding on both sides, on how a man and woman view sex in totally different ways. Finding and understanding those differences are the first step to having and maintaining healthy, passionate, and incredibly fulfilling sex life. Make sense so far?

Ok, if you’re ready, here are 10 things (in no particular order) that husbands wish their wives knew about sex:

  1. Sex is not optional in his mind – To a husband, sex is about right up there on the list with eating and breathing. Can he survive without it? Yes, but it’s not fun at all. Sex is to the man, what talking/communication is to the woman. If you would ask several wives if it would be ok if their husband didn’t listen or communicate with them for weeks at a time – well, you get the idea. Frequent sex = happy, attentive, listening, cuddling, caring, talking husband.
  2. Husbands use sex to reconnect – Think of it this way: Let’s use the example of a cordless phone (bear with me here). Let’s say the husband is the cordless handset, and the wife is the base. The handset may hold a charge for a while off the base, maybe even for a couple of days. But sooner or later, the handset is going to have to be recharged/reconnected to the base to keep the battery charged, the programming updated, and the phone usable. When your husband comes home from a long day at work, and the first thing on his mind is sex, it’s not that he’s some sort of sex addict, it’s just him longing to “return to his base” and reconnect with his wife in a “I’ve had a long day, and I need assurance that no matter how hard life gets, you and I are ok” way.
  3. He doesn’t always want to be the one asking Most husbands are fine with being the “sexual aggressor” most of the time, but if he is ALWAYS the one that is trying to start something, he starts to feel like you just “put up with him”, and don’t really care about sex. Every husband’s fantasy is to be sitting there on the couch, watching TV or whatever, and have his wife come over out of nowhere (obviously the kids aren’t around), straddle him, and start going at it. He wants to know that his wife DESIRES him sexually, not just PUTS UP WITH HIM sexually. This is a huge boost to his self-esteem and overall confidence.
  4. He thinks you’re GORGEOUS, and you can’t change that – It doesn’t matter how you feel about that left over baby fat, or how you cringe when you look in the mirror and see those stretch marks – your husband couldn’t care less! He thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, and even when he tells you this, you dismiss it, and say stuff like “thanks hon, but I don’t think so”, or “well, you may feel that way, but nobody else does”. Please don’t do this! Your husband isn’t trying to “put you on” by telling your he thinks your body is amazing – he truly thinks it is! You have to learn to accept the compliment as him being honest, and say thank you, instead of trying to play it off. And that leads me to my next point…
  5. Sometimes he just wants to look at you NAKEDI can already see you rolling your eyes, but hear me out. If you husband is working hard to avert his eyes from every other sexual source besides his wife, not viewing any porn, not checking out the girl on the billboard, etc – he has a God-given need/desire/appetite to admire his wife’s naked body. I know this may seem strange to you, but it’s true. So, when you’re getting dressed in the morning, or ready for bed at night, don’t try to position yourself so he can’t see those parts of you. It’s ok! He’s not going to attack you and want to have sex (as long as you have a regular sex life), he just wants to appreciate your beauty for a little bit! Remember, you are his only sexual source! Wouldn’t you rather have him looking at you, then some billboard model? I’ve heard a lot of wives say that they are scared if they allow their husbands to see them nude, they will want to have sex right that minute. If it’s been a week since you’ve made love, this may be true, but if you have sex regularly, sometimes it’s nice for him to just be able to admire what he thinks is the most amazing body he has ever seen. So linger a little while when you bend over to pick up your socks off the floor, or let your robe “accidentally” fall open a little when he walks by. Not only will he love it, but you just might find yourself thinking about sex a little more during the day, leading to a greater chance of you desiring intimacy later that night.
  6. He loves it when you surprise him By this I mean do something totally out of the ordinary, just for his benefit, and to see the look on his face. A few examples would be: Going out to dinner, and while you’re waiting for the waitress to seat you, lean over and whisper in his ear “You won’t have to take my panties off later when we get home, because I’m not wearing any”. Or after the kids go to bed and you’re going to curl up and watch a movie together, go into your room to “get your PJ’s on” and come back out with no top on, telling him you’re going to need his help keeping warm, because somebody told you it was “topless movie night”. Once you pick his jaw up off the floor, you might just find he isn’t paying much attention to the movie anymore. Another one would be to surprise him when he is taking a shower by jumping in the shower with him that “you’re having a hard time using your hands this morning, so he is going to have to help soap you up today.” I’ve heard several wives say that they love to see the look on their husband’s face when they surprise him like that. You’ll have your husband wondering what’s gotten into you!
  7. If you have to say “no” to sex, watch how you say it I know it seems silly, but you have no idea how hard it is sometimes, for a man to get up the nerve to ask his wife if she wants to have sex. Usually he will try to “test the waters” first, by hinting at it, or maybe a little grab here and there, to see how you’ll respond. All this time there is a little argument going on in his head sounding something like this – “Just ask her! No, last time I asked her flat-out, she rolled her eyes and said something about that’s all I think about. Yeah, but this time it might work. Come on, I really want to make love. Can’t she see that? Maybe I’ll ask her later after dinner. Yeah, I’ll help with the kids and the dishes, and then ask later. (fast forward to 7pm) Ok, see, I got the dishes done, maybe I should hint at it now. Nah, I’ll wait until the kids go to bed. As soon as the kids go to bed, she’ll be able to think about me. She has to know it’s been a couple of days, I’m sure she’ll be ok with it. Right? (The kids go to bed) Ok, I think I’ll ask now! Wait, she looks like she’s got something going there on the computer, I’ll give her some time to get that done. I’ll just ask her when we go to bed, it will be more of a sure bet then anyway. (10pm rolls around, and they’re crawling into bed) Ok, I’m going to ask! “hey hon, do you want to make love?” This is how it goes in a guy’s head when he’s thinking about asking for sex. Why? Because guys have this strange tendency to make sexual rejection (even with a good reason), a personal rejection. Since the need for regular sex with his wife is so much a part of who he is, any rejection of that need, feels like a rejection of HIM to your husband. I know this is hard to understand, and wives don’t mean it that way, but this goes for almost every husband I have ever talked to. Now obviously there are times when you are going to have to say “not tonight hon”, but the key is HOW YOU SAY IT. Don’t do it in a nonchalant or dismissing way. Remember, he has been working up the nerve to ask you for the past several hours most times. When you deny him, say something like this – “Hon, I love to have sex with you, but I just can’t do it tonight because (fill in the blank)” Then if he’s really pent-up, you could offer to help him out in another way besides intercourse, or give him a realistic date to “get a rain check”, like tomorrow morning, or the next evening. That way he feels like you understand he has a legitimate need, he feels like you care, and he feels like you want to help him as soon as possible. You’re still saying “not tonight”, but he doesn’t feel like you don’t care, you’re just blowing him off, or that you think sex is not important. One other thing – sometimes if your husband has been thinking about you all day, and then for whatever reason, you have to turn him down that night, he may feel like he “can’t wait” until tomorrow (no fault of yours , sometimes it’s just hard to turn it off, after it’s on). If you roll over and offer him your help to get a quick release before you go to sleep, he will sleep much better, and you’ll be a hero in your husband’s eyes. You just showed him that you care, even if you can’t offer him sex right now. I can’t understate how much this will mean to him.
  8. He LOVES to see you turned onThere is nothing quite as sexy to a husband, as seeing his wife thoroughly turned on, and enjoying sex. In the same way, there’s nothing quite as discouraging to a husband, as you laying there with an almost bored look on your face, and with the attitude of “would you just get it over with please, so I can go to sleep”. To your husband, his ability to arouse, stimulate, tease, drive you crazy with desire, and help you climax, is a huge part of what he feels his “worth” is as a husband. If he feels like he is failing in bed, he is going to be discouraged in other areas of life too. In contrast, if he feels his wife thinks he’s amazing in the bedroom, he is going to be much more confident and have a “I can conquer the world” attitude. You can help this by showing and telling him (not in a faking it way) how much he turns you on, or makes you feel good, as you’re making love. Obviously he’s not going to do everything right, but make sure you let him know when he DOES hit the right spot, or do something you find particularly hot. Now I’ve heard wives ask the question “but what about the times that I’m not really into it, but am doing it because I love my husband, and know he needs it tonight?” Husbands understand you’re not going to have the same drive for sex that he has every time. He gets that. All he’s hoping for when this is the case, and you’re just giving him a “quickie” for release, is to not make him feel like he’s annoying for wanting it, or that he interrupting your day and you have so many other things you could be doing. He needs feel accepted by you, even when you’re not particularly into it this time. Smile and give him that “come here baby, I know you need it and I’m here for you” attitude. Whispering a little encouragement in his ear in the process is a huge bonus too. ;)
  9. He wants sex to be adventurous sometimes I’ve gotten the question from husbands “how do I get my wife to be a little more adventurous with sex? (different locations, positions, etc)” Here’s the deal – there are 3 basic “kinds” of sex for a guy. There’s what we like to call the “normal” or “go to” sex (mostly in the bedroom, consisting of what we know always works, and satisfies both parties), there’s “Quickie sex” (a quick but passionate encounter that provides release when a longer session isn’t realistic at the time), and there’s “out of the ordinary” or “adventurous” sex (sex in a not normal location (outside, back of the mini van, etc), or learning a different technique or position that may be out of the “normal sexual menu” for the couple). This is usually a tough one for wives to understand, because I think for the most part I think a woman approaches sex with a “I like to stick to what works, and what is comfortable” , where a guy’s attitude may be more “I like normal most of the time, but sometimes I want to make it exciting and try new places”. While I’m not suggesting you go make love in the city park and get arrested, what I am saying is to try to understand where your husband is coming from. He sometimes sees sex as an adventure that you both are going on together. He wants you to be excited/thrilled to be on this adventure with him. For example, say you are taking a hike through the woods together somewhere, and when you stop for a break, he makes a move toward turning it sexual. Try and resist the urge to slap his hand away and say “honey! not here!” Even if you’re not comfortable with right here, right now, see if you can find another location down the trail where you would be. Remember, adventure! :) Even if it’s not exactly what you would have fantasized, you will have just made your husband’s day, and maybe even year. He’ll be talking to you about “that day we went hiking” for years to come!
  10. Be a student of your husband I addressed this a little for the guys in my post “Sex: It’s not all about you”, but the same goes for the wives. Learn and observe what you husband likes in the bedroom (or out…lol). What color of panties/bra does he like best on you? What parts of your body drives him most wild? What turns him on the most? What turns him off? Does like it when you’re express yourself loudly when you have sex? What is his favorite position/location? A wife who is willing to learn the ins and outs of what her husband likes most when it comes to sex, will have one of the happiest husbands on earth.
  11. (I know I said 10, but I guess I can’t count) He loves it when you sexually flirt with him Whether it’s the “for his eyes only” text you send him during the workday, suggesting what you’re going to do later, or the surprise little “grab” you give him when he’s helping you dry the dishes after dinner, flirting with your husband this way let’s him know you desire him, and are thinking about the next time you are going to be together. Little things like wearing cute panties, or a skirt (there’s something about a skirt that drives most husbands wild) with some sexy underwear underneath, go a long way in letting your husband know that you love being his only source of sexual attention, and get a kick out of keeping him guessing with what you’re going to come up with next. I know it’s easy to go into “mommy mode” and just wear what’s comfortable/practical, but when you remember, it drives your husband wild if you give him a little “eye candy” when possible.

Whew! You made it through! I know, I know, us guys are a little weird. :) We prefer to call it “different”, but hopefully you come away from reading this post with a new understanding of how your husband thinks about sex. Most of all, your husband is longing to be accepted by you in this area. He wants to know that even though you may not understand his seemingly constant desire for you, you accept it as part of who he is, and are not only willing, but love helping him in the way that only his amazing, beautiful wife can.

If you as a wife can make it a priority to do some of this stuff on even a semi-regular basis, your husband will be willing to conquer the world for you, and will be more than willing to be there for you emotionally, be strangely communicative, and you will feel closer to him than you would ever believe.

Sharing with Marital Oneness Mondays, Titus 2esdays, The Better Mom, Wifey Wednesday, and Women Living Well

Saturday Round Up

23 Jun

Just a couple links for you this Saturday, from the ocean :)  We’re having a great time on vacation!

Here’s a great post, from Brad at One Flesh about flirting, and being careful of our interaction with members of the opposite sex,

and a post by Kate about different ways to flirt with your hubby, making sure we are being intentional about flirting with him.

A new post by Gerad at Mission:Husband on Protecting Your Marriage.  It’s a guys perspective and he speaks to guys, but its a great reminder of the value of our marriage and how much it needs protected.

And last, another post about “that book” Elizabeth at Warrior Wives weighs in on the conversation in a very straightforward way.

Enjoy these links!  A post about lessons learned on vacation coming soon!

How a Miscarriage Grew My Marriage

14 Jun

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  It was mid morning on a summery July day.  We were at the doctors office for a follow-up ultrasound.  They had said we needed it because there  may have been a problem with the baby’s brain stem, I forgot.  I knew God would take care of us so I went in with the same trust and joy I always did.  The minute the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong (this was my third pregnancy).  The tech left the room and I had to tell Gerad something was wrong, he didn’t realize.  The doctor came in and tried to be as gentle with us as possible, but there’s no way to gently tell a couple they lost the baby they were dreaming about.  I had big dreams for this baby.  The next couple of weeks were long, grief stricken weeks for me.  Our marriage suffered greatly.  Gerad didn’t understand how I felt, I didn’t understand how he could act like nothing happened. We had to learn how to relate to each other.  I had to learn his style of grief and he mine.  (His side of the story here.)

We got through it … I thought.  The problem was, our marriage just wasn’t the same.  I felt like I was over the grief of losing the baby but didn’t realize I was full of fear.  I was afraid to have sex, somehow I had connected sex with the miscarriage; not that it caused it, but that I might have to feel that same pain again.  I retreated from Gerad.  I told him I loved him, I did everything I could to show him I loved him (except the very thing he needed).  I did all the right things on the outside, I was cleaning the house, cooking dinner, serving him in very outward ways trying to keep it all together.  God used this time to teach me something very significant; I desired my husband to be understanding and willing to listen when I needed to talk about the baby and Gerad needed me to need him, to connect through sex so he knew and could see how much I loved him.

I believe God used this as a huge turning point in our marriage.  I turned to God to deal with the fear I was feeling, I confessed the fear to Gerad and told him God and I were working on it.  God spoke to me and taught me many things about Gerad I didn’t know or understand.  I began to understand my husband’s (and most guys) need for sex, it wasn’t just that one thing that he asked from me just to inconvenience me.  I learned and began to understand he really NEEDED me.   My attitude changed, and I began to accept the love my husband had for me.  I learned I hadn’t really fully healed and dealt with the miscarriage, but when I chose to accept my husband the way God created him (even if he did want sex every three days and I really didn’t) I could be open with Gerad and began to heal my broken heart.

As time went by, God healed my heart and marriage from the pain of the miscarriage.  I became pregnant again and we had another child.  God used it to remind me His plans for me as a wife and mother.  After a few months time, I experience an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage; I felt the familiar pain again.  As I was processing the grief I knew I had a choice to make.  I chose to learn from the past and choose my marriage; God healed my heart again.  I wish I could say there was this “light bulb” moment where it all came together in a really beautiful way.  The truth is, it’s a daily choice I have to make.  Maybe you haven’t had a miscarriage, maybe you have, but processed it different than me; there is one thing I know, God cares deeply about your marriage.  He wants you to come to Him with everything about your marriage.  He has all the answers you will ever need.

*This was originally a guest post on The Warrior Wives

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