I am so excited to share a guest post with you all today. It’s written by my hubby who blogs over at mission:husband (If you ever read his blog, which is a great resource for us wives, it’s like free access into our guys’ minds, you’ll know his posts are longer than mine, but worth it!). Gerad and I were having a discussion along the lines of this post and I said, “Hey, wanna write a guest post?” He gladly agreed, so, without further ado, here’s Gerad.
I get a lot of emails from Wives wanting to “get inside the heads” of their husbands when it comes to how he acts, and reacts about sex. I realize all husbands are different, and some prefer some things over others, but overall, I feel that there are a lot of wives out there who REALLY WANT to make their sex life with their husband what God intended it to be, but sometimes get frustrated by not understanding why he’s always asking for sex, even when they just had it, or what he means when he says things like “I just want you to want me”.
So it’s for this reason, I decided to write this post. It’s not to make wives feel inadequate, or bad about what they’re not doing right, but rather to let you inside a guys head for a little bit, and help you understand where your husband is coming from when he is think about all things sexual. I think a lot of the problems that arise in a couple’s sex life, start with a lack of communication/understanding on both sides, on how a man and woman view sex in totally different ways. Finding and understanding those differences are the first step to having and maintaining healthy, passionate, and incredibly fulfilling sex life. Make sense so far?
Ok, if you’re ready, here are 10 things (in no particular order) that husbands wish their wives knew about sex:
- Sex is not optional in his mind – To a husband, sex is about right up there on the list with eating and breathing. Can he survive without it? Yes, but it’s not fun at all. Sex is to the man, what talking/communication is to the woman. If you would ask several wives if it would be ok if their husband didn’t listen or communicate with them for weeks at a time – well, you get the idea. Frequent sex = happy, attentive, listening, cuddling, caring, talking husband.
- Husbands use sex to reconnect – Think of it this way: Let’s use the example of a cordless phone (bear with me here). Let’s say the husband is the cordless handset, and the wife is the base. The handset may hold a charge for a while off the base, maybe even for a couple of days. But sooner or later, the handset is going to have to be recharged/reconnected to the base to keep the battery charged, the programming updated, and the phone usable. When your husband comes home from a long day at work, and the first thing on his mind is sex, it’s not that he’s some sort of sex addict, it’s just him longing to “return to his base” and reconnect with his wife in a “I’ve had a long day, and I need assurance that no matter how hard life gets, you and I are ok” way.
- He doesn’t always want to be the one asking – Most husbands are fine with being the “sexual aggressor” most of the time, but if he is ALWAYS the one that is trying to start something, he starts to feel like you just “put up with him”, and don’t really care about sex. Every husband’s fantasy is to be sitting there on the couch, watching TV or whatever, and have his wife come over out of nowhere (obviously the kids aren’t around), straddle him, and start going at it. He wants to know that his wife DESIRES him sexually, not just PUTS UP WITH HIM sexually. This is a huge boost to his self-esteem and overall confidence.
- He thinks you’re GORGEOUS, and you can’t change that – It doesn’t matter how you feel about that left over baby fat, or how you cringe when you look in the mirror and see those stretch marks – your husband couldn’t care less! He thinks you’re the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth, and even when he tells you this, you dismiss it, and say stuff like “thanks hon, but I don’t think so”, or “well, you may feel that way, but nobody else does”. Please don’t do this! Your husband isn’t trying to “put you on” by telling your he thinks your body is amazing – he truly thinks it is! You have to learn to accept the compliment as him being honest, and say thank you, instead of trying to play it off. And that leads me to my next point…
- Sometimes he just wants to look at you NAKED – I can already see you rolling your eyes, but hear me out. If you husband is working hard to avert his eyes from every other sexual source besides his wife, not viewing any porn, not checking out the girl on the billboard, etc – he has a God-given need/desire/appetite to admire his wife’s naked body. I know this may seem strange to you, but it’s true. So, when you’re getting dressed in the morning, or ready for bed at night, don’t try to position yourself so he can’t see those parts of you. It’s ok! He’s not going to attack you and want to have sex (as long as you have a regular sex life), he just wants to appreciate your beauty for a little bit! Remember, you are his only sexual source! Wouldn’t you rather have him looking at you, then some billboard model? I’ve heard a lot of wives say that they are scared if they allow their husbands to see them nude, they will want to have sex right that minute. If it’s been a week since you’ve made love, this may be true, but if you have sex regularly, sometimes it’s nice for him to just be able to admire what he thinks is the most amazing body he has ever seen. So linger a little while when you bend over to pick up your socks off the floor, or let your robe “accidentally” fall open a little when he walks by. Not only will he love it, but you just might find yourself thinking about sex a little more during the day, leading to a greater chance of you desiring intimacy later that night.
- He loves it when you surprise him – By this I mean do something totally out of the ordinary, just for his benefit, and to see the look on his face. A few examples would be: Going out to dinner, and while you’re waiting for the waitress to seat you, lean over and whisper in his ear “You won’t have to take my panties off later when we get home, because I’m not wearing any”. Or after the kids go to bed and you’re going to curl up and watch a movie together, go into your room to “get your PJ’s on” and come back out with no top on, telling him you’re going to need his help keeping warm, because somebody told you it was “topless movie night”. Once you pick his jaw up off the floor, you might just find he isn’t paying much attention to the movie anymore. Another one would be to surprise him when he is taking a shower by jumping in the shower with him that “you’re having a hard time using your hands this morning, so he is going to have to help soap you up today.” I’ve heard several wives say that they love to see the look on their husband’s face when they surprise him like that. You’ll have your husband wondering what’s gotten into you!
- If you have to say “no” to sex, watch how you say it – I know it seems silly, but you have no idea how hard it is sometimes, for a man to get up the nerve to ask his wife if she wants to have sex. Usually he will try to “test the waters” first, by hinting at it, or maybe a little grab here and there, to see how you’ll respond. All this time there is a little argument going on in his head sounding something like this – “Just ask her! No, last time I asked her flat-out, she rolled her eyes and said something about that’s all I think about. Yeah, but this time it might work. Come on, I really want to make love. Can’t she see that? Maybe I’ll ask her later after dinner. Yeah, I’ll help with the kids and the dishes, and then ask later. (fast forward to 7pm) Ok, see, I got the dishes done, maybe I should hint at it now. Nah, I’ll wait until the kids go to bed. As soon as the kids go to bed, she’ll be able to think about me. She has to know it’s been a couple of days, I’m sure she’ll be ok with it. Right? (The kids go to bed) Ok, I think I’ll ask now! Wait, she looks like she’s got something going there on the computer, I’ll give her some time to get that done. I’ll just ask her when we go to bed, it will be more of a sure bet then anyway. (10pm rolls around, and they’re crawling into bed) Ok, I’m going to ask! “hey hon, do you want to make love?” This is how it goes in a guy’s head when he’s thinking about asking for sex. Why? Because guys have this strange tendency to make sexual rejection (even with a good reason), a personal rejection. Since the need for regular sex with his wife is so much a part of who he is, any rejection of that need, feels like a rejection of HIM to your husband. I know this is hard to understand, and wives don’t mean it that way, but this goes for almost every husband I have ever talked to. Now obviously there are times when you are going to have to say “not tonight hon”, but the key is HOW YOU SAY IT. Don’t do it in a nonchalant or dismissing way. Remember, he has been working up the nerve to ask you for the past several hours most times. When you deny him, say something like this – “Hon, I love to have sex with you, but I just can’t do it tonight because (fill in the blank)” Then if he’s really pent-up, you could offer to help him out in another way besides intercourse, or give him a realistic date to “get a rain check”, like tomorrow morning, or the next evening. That way he feels like you understand he has a legitimate need, he feels like you care, and he feels like you want to help him as soon as possible. You’re still saying “not tonight”, but he doesn’t feel like you don’t care, you’re just blowing him off, or that you think sex is not important. One other thing – sometimes if your husband has been thinking about you all day, and then for whatever reason, you have to turn him down that night, he may feel like he “can’t wait” until tomorrow (no fault of yours , sometimes it’s just hard to turn it off, after it’s on). If you roll over and offer him your help to get a quick release before you go to sleep, he will sleep much better, and you’ll be a hero in your husband’s eyes. You just showed him that you care, even if you can’t offer him sex right now. I can’t understate how much this will mean to him.
- He LOVES to see you turned on – There is nothing quite as sexy to a husband, as seeing his wife thoroughly turned on, and enjoying sex. In the same way, there’s nothing quite as discouraging to a husband, as you laying there with an almost bored look on your face, and with the attitude of “would you just get it over with please, so I can go to sleep”. To your husband, his ability to arouse, stimulate, tease, drive you crazy with desire, and help you climax, is a huge part of what he feels his “worth” is as a husband. If he feels like he is failing in bed, he is going to be discouraged in other areas of life too. In contrast, if he feels his wife thinks he’s amazing in the bedroom, he is going to be much more confident and have a “I can conquer the world” attitude. You can help this by showing and telling him (not in a faking it way) how much he turns you on, or makes you feel good, as you’re making love. Obviously he’s not going to do everything right, but make sure you let him know when he DOES hit the right spot, or do something you find particularly hot. Now I’ve heard wives ask the question “but what about the times that I’m not really into it, but am doing it because I love my husband, and know he needs it tonight?” Husbands understand you’re not going to have the same drive for sex that he has every time. He gets that. All he’s hoping for when this is the case, and you’re just giving him a “quickie” for release, is to not make him feel like he’s annoying for wanting it, or that he interrupting your day and you have so many other things you could be doing. He needs feel accepted by you, even when you’re not particularly into it this time. Smile and give him that “come here baby, I know you need it and I’m here for you” attitude. Whispering a little encouragement in his ear in the process is a huge bonus too. ;)
- He wants sex to be adventurous sometimes – I’ve gotten the question from husbands “how do I get my wife to be a little more adventurous with sex? (different locations, positions, etc)” Here’s the deal – there are 3 basic “kinds” of sex for a guy. There’s what we like to call the “normal” or “go to” sex (mostly in the bedroom, consisting of what we know always works, and satisfies both parties), there’s “Quickie sex” (a quick but passionate encounter that provides release when a longer session isn’t realistic at the time), and there’s “out of the ordinary” or “adventurous” sex (sex in a not normal location (outside, back of the mini van, etc), or learning a different technique or position that may be out of the “normal sexual menu” for the couple). This is usually a tough one for wives to understand, because I think for the most part I think a woman approaches sex with a “I like to stick to what works, and what is comfortable” , where a guy’s attitude may be more “I like normal most of the time, but sometimes I want to make it exciting and try new places”. While I’m not suggesting you go make love in the city park and get arrested, what I am saying is to try to understand where your husband is coming from. He sometimes sees sex as an adventure that you both are going on together. He wants you to be excited/thrilled to be on this adventure with him. For example, say you are taking a hike through the woods together somewhere, and when you stop for a break, he makes a move toward turning it sexual. Try and resist the urge to slap his hand away and say “honey! not here!” Even if you’re not comfortable with right here, right now, see if you can find another location down the trail where you would be. Remember, adventure! :) Even if it’s not exactly what you would have fantasized, you will have just made your husband’s day, and maybe even year. He’ll be talking to you about “that day we went hiking” for years to come!
- Be a student of your husband – I addressed this a little for the guys in my post “Sex: It’s not all about you”, but the same goes for the wives. Learn and observe what you husband likes in the bedroom (or out…lol). What color of panties/bra does he like best on you? What parts of your body drives him most wild? What turns him on the most? What turns him off? Does like it when you’re express yourself loudly when you have sex? What is his favorite position/location? A wife who is willing to learn the ins and outs of what her husband likes most when it comes to sex, will have one of the happiest husbands on earth.
- (I know I said 10, but I guess I can’t count) He loves it when you sexually flirt with him – Whether it’s the “for his eyes only” text you send him during the workday, suggesting what you’re going to do later, or the surprise little “grab” you give him when he’s helping you dry the dishes after dinner, flirting with your husband this way let’s him know you desire him, and are thinking about the next time you are going to be together. Little things like wearing cute panties, or a skirt (there’s something about a skirt that drives most husbands wild) with some sexy underwear underneath, go a long way in letting your husband know that you love being his only source of sexual attention, and get a kick out of keeping him guessing with what you’re going to come up with next. I know it’s easy to go into “mommy mode” and just wear what’s comfortable/practical, but when you remember, it drives your husband wild if you give him a little “eye candy” when possible.
Whew! You made it through! I know, I know, us guys are a little weird. :) We prefer to call it “different”, but hopefully you come away from reading this post with a new understanding of how your husband thinks about sex. Most of all, your husband is longing to be accepted by you in this area. He wants to know that even though you may not understand his seemingly constant desire for you, you accept it as part of who he is, and are not only willing, but love helping him in the way that only his amazing, beautiful wife can.
If you as a wife can make it a priority to do some of this stuff on even a semi-regular basis, your husband will be willing to conquer the world for you, and will be more than willing to be there for you emotionally, be strangely communicative, and you will feel closer to him than you would ever believe.
Sharing with Marital Oneness Mondays, Titus 2esdays, The Better Mom, Wifey Wednesday, and Women Living Well
mission:wife 
Great list! Thanks for sharing! Some good reminders!
Thanks thehomeschoolmomblog!
You are more than welcome!
I wanted you to know I thought your list was very deep and made the most sense. I read some of the stuff you said about husbands and couldn’t help but say “aw!” Like when you said, “To your husband you are the most beautiful being on this earth, no matter the amount of “baby fat”.” I know you are right, my husband I feel came out of a fairy tail, he is everything you described from tip 1 on down. I read this to be better for him, because he does ask for love making (he says sex is different than making love) often and on more that one occasion I do have to say no. It kills me, I know he does sometimes feel I don’t desire him, that is why I read this. It has great tips and I will try the surprising him idea. I know he will enjoy it. Thank you so much!!!!!!!
I am married. I am a woman. I believe in women’s rights. I have 4 children. I love my husband and love it when we are intimate!!! I agree with every thing you said. Great article about how to lift up our men whom we love! He does so much for me, the least I can do is try to understand the guy!!!
Ummmmm…..if I went out in public commando and whispered it to hubby, it would upset him rather than turn him on. He is very protective of my modesty. He also does not think I am the most gorgeous woman in the world. He thinks I am beautiful and he loves me greatly, but we both know there are handsomer people out there than us. That doesn’t demerit my beauty and it doesn’t mean he’s sexually attracted to them rather than me, it is just fact. I am more adventurous than he is. Jumping in the shower with him is rather utilitarian rather than sexy. I need sex to reconnect as much as he does. I feel deeply personally rejected when he says no. I have never refused him. What I am saying is, it isn’t a list for every husband, so ladies, don’t panic if he doesn’t fit the bill. Follow #10, then.
Thanks for the comment “taighbeag” – sorry some of the tips I gave didn’t fit your husband. Everybody has their own likes/dislikes, but I’m pretty sure if I did a survey of 100 husbands, and asked them if they would LIKE it or NOT like it if their wives surprised them with either jumping in the shower with them, or telling them they’re weren’t wearing any panties, 97 of them would say “yes” – that is if they could get the huge grin off their faces for long enough to talk.
Just like it’s a pretty sure bet that women like chocolate. Do all women like it? No. But it’s a pretty safe bet that most of them do. Same goes with these 11 tips. Most guys would love the stuff listed, a few wouldn’t. They’re are just intended to give wives (who don’t think like men) an idea of how MOST men think.
Thanks again for the comment!
Yes, I have come to realize that I am unlike most wives and my husband is unlike most husbands. For a while I started to panic reading blogs like this one because I related more to the husbands and we as a couple didn’t line up with the typical. I even started resenting it. One thing this is helping with is communicating with my husband. I showed him the article and got a better idea of his likes and dislikes. Yes, he said he would not like it if I left this house commando. Lol! So, what I am saying is these blogs are excellent resources, but if you or your husband are atypical, don’t panic. Use the articles as communication tools.
I think taighbeag just hit a major issue, perhaps primarily with religious people. That word “modesty” — but mis-applied!
If an unmarried teen went out with no underwear, especially one in a religious family, she would be in big trouble if her dad found out. Why, because deciding not to wear underwear is often more sexually motivated than not.
But not wearing underwear has nothing to do with modesty! Nobody can even tell you chose to go “commando” unless they touch or look very, very close. Sure a woman would need to be extra careful getting in or out of cars, sitting, etc…but most modest women do this anyway so nobody gets to peek at their undies.
Same with the whole being naked thing. My wife will not walk around our own house topless, even on nice warm days, because it is “not modest” and she was “not raised that way”. Huh? Nobody is around to see except me!
We all need to do our daughters (and their future husbands) a favor by helping them understand true modesty vs. being prude in marriage. Letting your boyfriend look down your shirt is not modest. Letting your husband look down it (and maybe even suprising him with no bra or a see-through) is sexy, perfectly right, and fully moral.
Doing a strip-tease dance at a club is not modest. Do it privately for your husband does not make you a whore or any other bad word. It makes you a caring wife who will make your husband crazy for you!
Finally, I think a tip #12 would be in order. Husbands should be meeting their wives needs too. If a woman follows these type of tips to meet their husbands sexual needs, he will have a much easier time meeting your non-sexual needs! Try denying his sexual needs for any length of time, and even the most dedicated man is going to find meeting your needs extrodinarly difficult.
All i can say is that, while this might not be EVERY man’s way of thinking, for me it’s about as close to mind reading as I’ve ever come. Every one of these 10+ points is something I’d love for my wife to understand (she doesn’t). I would email her if i hadn’t overdone it with other email forwards in the past (I’ve made her feel pressured, which has been toxic for our already anemic sex life). anyway, great stuff… and for the womwn reading, know that most men (at least, this one) would love and welcome the same glimpse inside of a woman’s mind. I read and try to learn from same all the time.
I love this article!! Thank you ! I’ve been married and with my husband for twenty years and we are still hot fir each other. I think one thing to add to your awesome article is the man should be dominant most of the time . We’re equal but in bed I like him to a man and he is ! Also a little wine helps on a stressful day.
Piggybacking on taighbeag…
Everything on this list applies to many wives and not everything on this list applies to all men. There are many, many wives who need to “recharge”, who want to be flirted with, who enjoy seeing their husband naked, who are sexually creative and adventurous, who take sexual rejection personally (go figure), who prefer sex over talking, etc. Imagine that.
The bottom line is spouses should be students and servants of each other.
Thank you taighbeag! What many Christian women don’t realize is that, for about 20-25% of marriages, the wife has a higher libido. It can be devastating to read lists such as these or sit in a ladies Bible study listening to vocal women complain about their husband’s sex drive and know that you’ve tried it all–many times!!!–and it’s just. not. working.
I think you need to understand that this list includes examples to show how the advice in practice, not necessarily the only way that it can be done.
Instead of going commando, maybe tell him, that you’re wearing the lingerie that he likes underneath your clothes, or something else to surprise him in a sexual manner.
In an objective sense, you (or 99%) of people in the world aren’t in the running for being the worlds most gorgeous person. The idea that the writer was trying to convey is that wives need to stop feeling so self conscious about their bodies during sexual play. He knows what you look like and if he didn’t like it he wouldn’t be in bed with you. (so stop worrying about covering up that c-section scar every time you’re on top of him, he already knows it’s there, he certainly isn’t concerned about it at the moment, so you shouldn’t either)
In short, don’t take the advice so literally, take the idea of it, and see what form you could use in your own relationship Communication is the most important thing, so, the ability to communicate with your spouse and open lines of dialogue about these awkward topics supersedes all of this advice. The advice just points you in the right direction to do it.
We are talking normal and average guys here…not the village minister…
It’s a shame you feel the way you do. I know there are “hotter” women then my wife out there, but she turns me on 24/7 and is quite good looking…isn’t that enough you literalist?
A husband doesn’t marry his wife if he thinks there are more “obviously handsomer” women out there. And the person who wrote these tips just put in suggestions, he didn’t say you HAVE to go commando, use your imagination for crimany sake. And lastly, your husband is allowed to say no just as much as you are. He might be tired or not in the mood, the fact that you take it personally and feel “rejected” just shows you have no trust of faith in your husband. I suggest you take a look at your priorities, instead of feeling hurt, try and feel understanding. Don’t feel rejected, feel instead grateful. If he felt he wasn’t going to fulfill your every need or desire that night and said no instead of leaving you unsatisfied, that is very considerate of him. And you, too, are allowed to say no. I sometimes feel like doing something else, I tell my husband no and explain why and he is understanding of it and thanks me for being honest. He tells me he doesn’t want me to feel forced. And if he tells me no and explains, I too understand. There has to be that level of understanding and communication and honesty in a relationship.
Whoa there-easy! I don’t think anyone said that and I didn’t get ungratefulness from anyones response here LOL. You think you are talking to me-a wife who is not of the norm too-a wife who gets rejected and is willing to please more than the husband would want to receive. I don’t EVER say no. I never say no because I know it will be a minute till we get to have it unless I ask for it. So don’t start generalizing that all woman who do look for more action are hypocrites. Because thats(by def.) is what i had read in your comment. I am not hypocrite. I take what I can get and I also feel at times resentful for not getting “pinned” as much as the girl next door. The problem is that I am very attractive and I don’t have the baby fat or scars. I am not mad this article was not for me. I understand wholly it is for the average man. I just happen to have not your avg. (in sexual desire) man. When we do go at it-it is pretty wild for him as well for me. I just wished we had few more sessions in between. WITH A BALANCE OF BOTH OF US ASKING FOR IT NOT JUST ME.And not just him. And that is a communication thing we wil work on so please don’t no one advise that as it is clearly stated and known thanks!xoxo
I want you to try it because I don’t think you know your husband. I am in my 50s and I don’t think I ever met a guy who would not love their wife to go commando once in a while say once ayear as a surprise.(only he will know) I would bet anything you will have fun that night. if not, dump this looser and find a real man. I’m sorry but life is to short to not have some fun and sex is fun.
I totally agree with you. All the things listed above are more in my mind and he doesnt reciprocate positively for it. He doesnt like sitting on the couch and having good moments. He tries to get an erection out of his own thoughts even before I come to the bedroom, its like a routine for him no matter how much I try to make it interesting. I always prepare bubble bath for us together but he never appreciates it though he feels good. I feel disgusting at times, he never kisses me nor gives a hug due to which I feel depressed. We still dont have kids and he’s not bothered of making sex better so that it leads atleast to baby making. Discussing with him is impossible because he doesnt understand nor give a ear to it.
My husband is exactly the same. He is more conservative than I am and my sex drive is higher than his. This was a difficult thing to accept as a newlywed but once I got past the embarrassment of talking about sex I realised that him not always wanting to have sex like I expected did not mean he didn’t desire me or wasn’t attracted to me. The longer you spend studying your husband and learning what makes them tick the better your marriage will be. No 2 marriages are the same and sometimes when you read blogs and find out your marriage doesn’t quite fit what seen to be the norm you can start to feel discouraged
Great list! I especially like the way you worded #2! I think alot of marital issues revolve around the differences in “recharging”. You have it exactly correct that men think of sexual intimacy as a way to recharge themselves and their marriage! There is no time I feel emotionally closer to my wife then “after”!
Thanks for the great list!
Brad @1FleshMarriage
THANKS Brad! It took me a while to write it, but I think I captured what “most” guys are thinking anyways. Hope it helps some wives understand us crazy husbands…lol!
I’m a guy, and I approve this list!
Thanks Jay Dee!
Im a guy, and i disagree!!!
Just the opposite
I find myself laughing hysterically because it is all true!!!
Well done!
Lol…I’m telling ya, all guys are the same! (ok, most guys…lol)
Thanks!
This is soooo good and soooo true!
Thanks David!
GREAT list! I agree with it all. This does describe the vast majority of husbands, although I certainly do hear from wives who have a higher desire than their husbands or whose husbands criticize their appearance.
I had to laugh a bit with #6. I’m not sure what I can do anymore to surprise the hubs! If he read that description of ways to surprise your hubby, he might respond, “In my house, that’s Tuesday.” LOL. He still likes it, though. :)
Thanks J! Lol about number 6! I guess I was aiming it at couples where it isn’t the “norm”. Thanks for reading, I was hoping to get your opinion on it!
Thanks for the article. Interesting info. I appreciate taighbeag’s response. I agree with some of what she said. Have you considered having your wife write “Ten Things Every Wife Wishes Her Husband Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Him”? Perhaps husbands would have more success in (and out) the bedroom if they were better at it. Trust me, I’ve had enough girl chats to know women have a lot to say about sex too. I think the biggest misconception is that women don’t want sex. I think most of us want sex almost as much as men do. Feeling tired or busy aren’t the only reasons we say no. How are we supposed to tell our husbands they’re doing something wrong when sex is so heavily tied to their self confidence? It’s important for BOTH people to be sexually fulfilled. It’s easier to have more sex with our husbands when we’re getting what we want too.
Ginger,
I have had quite a few comments lately from wives who are not satisfied in the bedroom, and are looking for ways to talk to their husbands about it without hurting him.
While you have to be careful how you say it, MOST MEN will be more than happy to “practice their skills” if you say something like this to them-
“hey hon, I’ve really been horny (yes, there are other ways to say it, but believe me, that word is much more likely to stimulate your husband to action than most others) lately, and I’ve got a few ideas I really want your help trying. In fact, I really want to take our sexual relationship to the next level. I want to learn what makes you crazy, and I want to show you what really does it for me. Can we spend some time working on this – starting tonight after the kids go to bed?”
Now unless your husband is way out of the norm, he’s going to ask “where do I sign!?” after a comment like that from his wife.
Also, something wives don’t understand about the man’s sexual drive, is that if he has an orgasm FIRST, and then is asked to “help you out”, he’s going to be about as interested as he would be if you asked him to put a new roof on the house on a 105 degree day. However, if the couple makes sure the wife has climaxed as many times as she desires (maybe saving one if they desire to have one together), BEFORE he has one, he’s going to be more than willing to help however you need, because he still has a DRIVE to orgasm himself. That’s why I always tell husbands to make sure if you’re wife desires an orgasm(s?), they let her “get hers” first, and then go ahead with his own.
I wrote a whole post to husbands about making sure they are not being “selfish” in the bedroom called “Sex: It’s Not Just about You”(http://missionhusband.wordpress.com/2012/07/21/sex-its-not-just-about-you/), and while I wish that all husbands would make sure their wives are just as satisfied as they are after sex, I realize this is an issue in a lot of marriages, and will continue to write posts to address it.
Thanks for the comment!
Thank you very much!
you are a genius, you say what everyman is thinking,
This is a great post, and includes nearly everything I would love to tell my wife about how I work as a man. The problem, however, is this – how do I get her to read this without making her feel like I dont appreciate our current sex life? It’s not that I dont appreciate it, it’s just that I really feel like she doesnt fully understand the importance of our sexual relationship. I could just email her a link to the post, but then I feel like a heel. Any suggestions, or should I just bite the bullet and send it to her?
That’s a hard one. I would just email it to her, and say something like “hey hon, I found an article that really does a good job at explaining how us crazy guy’s minds work and think about sex. I thought it might help you figure out what the heck I’m thinking when I act these ways.” And leave it at that. Just don’t try and pressure her into doing any of them. If she wants to start doing any of them, that has to come from HER wanting to, not pressure from you. Make sense?
Thanks for the comment!
That is a hard one, I think it’s important to make sure the line of communication between the two of you stays open. There are some things in there that doesn’t make sense to us wives and we need the chance to go, “really?, you really feel that way?” Don’t pressure her, but let her know that you are open to discussing the topic if she wants to. I’d love to have her as a reader :)
missinhusband, I just read your ideas and felt as if you said everything I was thinking,. I had the sane problem as other men in telling my wife to read this. The basic answer people gave was just tell her to read it. So I emailed it to he and mentioned that I just sent her an email. So she reads it and I am sitting next to her on th e couch while she is reading it, Everythings fine and she goes :oh come he says guys are looking only at you and not porn or other women?” so just from that I feel she’s dismissing the whole article. I said to her, ” OK I think most guys do look at other women, but not that we would ever act on it, and it doesn’t make you less desireable” So she reads the rest and when done concludes” But I already know all this stuff.” Here I am thinking after years of not being able to put my thoughts into words I found an answer. and she says she already knows these things. How do I get her to now act on these things. My goodness our sex life is down to about every other week but she will give me some release about once a week. This is not even close to how much release I need, So how can I convince her in a loving way to help ne out? Or am I just stuck doing it by myself? Also if she knows all these things, and I just gave her the article to read that reinforces all the things, don’t you think she would act on any of it? How do I get he to start wearing the sexy clothes. Or giving me a flash once in a while. etc. We men love what you said, it’s the getting it to happen that’s still a problem,
I just emailed it to my wife and asked her if she would read it completely and then talk to me about it. She was happy to read it and said it helped. We both talked about it and so far it has helped us both quite a bit!
Definately give this to her to read… I’ve been trying to think up ways to make
My husband happy and this stuff never occurred to me!! I didn’t realise this was such a need for men but it makes total sense to me now.
Mission husband guy I cannot thank you enough for writing this and your blogs.
Say (f*****) and send it. I am a female and every since my husband and I met I told him straight out that if something bother me of him I will tell him. And I have. How can I explain this! I told him and will keep telling him “I love you” and I am letting you know that ( this, this, and this) is bothering me now is up to you if u want to do something about it or just let it go; but I told you and don’t blame me latter for whatever happens at the end. So I just send him # 7. Don’t be afraid of your wife it’s call communication, i am always asking my husband if he wants to say something to me like what is bothering him, if I have done something wrong or ect….and it works.
Nailed it! I’m pretty sure you were in my head as you write this!
I LOVED EVERY BIT OF THIS POSTING…….VERY HELPFUL
I like more women need to read not yet married yet!Lol
Thanks Veronica!
I think it would be very helpful for every Bride and Groom to read/practice this advice. Thanks for sharing.–Andy
No problam Andy! Thanks for the comment!
A Good Point was made by Andy!!
As I just got married on Christmas Eve, I thought my wife would enjoy reading this.
Great Advice for both men and women. Surprisingly pretty accurate regarding both as well.
I’ve been living overseas almost half my life and find almost that I’m almost twice as old as most guys around town.
I’d just like to emphasize a couple of important points here,
First of all, honest Communication is most important in any lasting relationship. Be open and honest from the start.
Equally important, yet unfortunately forgotten by 99% of men ,
Remember Guys…….
It’s Always Ladies First!!!
Just wondering how you were able to read my mind? I didn’t think I’d said all these things out loud to anyone, but I must have! :) LOL! Thank you! Now, as others have also said, to figure out how to politely get my wife to read the post. :)
how bout “Ten Things Every Wife Wishes Her Husband Knew About Sex, But Doesn’t Know Quite How To Tell Him”?
I second that!
It’s the same list. :D I’m a woman and i want all of it what’s written here. :D
Yeah this site seems to be only about pleasing husband…..this site seems to advocate submission by wife’s
I’m sorry you feel that way, I have made the choice not to speak to husband’s on this blog, because I am not one, and this blog is for wives. I do speak about wives submitting to their husbands because that is what God has called us to do. Does that mean that our husbands get away with being complete jerks and ‘making’ us do things in the name of submission? I say no. God called them to love us and to put our needs above their own, and also called us to put their needs above our own. We should have a sacrificial love in our relationship, whether we are dealing with sexual preferences or comuunication. We should always be concerned for the needs of the person we marry above our own.
Omg! I’m so glad I found this site..it has really made me realize how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband who is so in to me.it has also made me realize the difference between how men think so different from us women and how as wives we shoot our husbands down without realizing the damage we are causing them.I am guilty of alot like turning my husband down for sex just because I’m tired or not keeping our sex life spicy like I used to when we were dating.after reading this. I’m making a vow to never say no to my husband again..I can’t wait until he comes home from work today so I can try all these new things I have learned!
Thanks for your comment Tracy. I’m glad you are learning things to keep your marriage strong.
You go girl. And I just realize too how much my husband loves me and how many compliments my husband has said to me and in return I do say to you but I don’t fill that way. And from now on I will thank him for his love nd complements…..
Of all the articles and postings I’ve been reading lately, in an effort to resolve our only issue (I want sex all the time, she goes along), I thought this was the best, and you added the all important element of humor. No clinical definitions, just the way things are. When I printed this out for my wife to read, I said, “This is exactly what goes on in my head. Now you know.” In fact, I told her it was the last article I would ask her to read because its so complete and succinct.
Of course not all things apply, but few things in life are one size fits all. As I always tell my wife, we love someone despite some things, and because of most. Her sexual peccadilloes are one thing I’ve had to constantly work on. The strange thing with her, is that since changing a medication that’s she’d been on for years, she’s able to have multiple orgasms for for the first time in 22 years. At 50. But yet, she is reluctant. So we’ve come to this conclusion; like working out always feels good afterwards, the hard part is putting on your shoes to get started. So we’ve found joking about, ‘putting the shoes on’ and having times where sex is ‘most likely’, works for us. A little tip for the readers; we have found that on a Friday night early, when both our teens are out, having some red wine (an aphro for my wife) and cheese, talking and then having sex before dinner changes a lot. The wine is more effective, your stomach is not full, she’s not tired, and there are no kids who might ‘hear’. I think the fact also that your blood is not busy digesting food, allows more to flow to your nether regions. The best sex we’ve had in 22 years has been the times we’ve done this lately.Try it, you’ll like it!
My husband shared this information with me and I found it to be quite interesting and informative, something I needed to read. We have been married for 36 years and the flame has not gone out of our marriage, it is just on a low setting-lol
This article was right on time because my husband and I are getting ready to go on vacation to Australia & New Zealand so I believe we are going to try out most of the 10 tips!
Will keep u guys posted: The Grants
Thanks so much for the encouragement! Have a great vacation and may God get all the glory!
I have been married for almost nine years. My husband sees me naked morning and night and would simply look away and dont even notice me.I have always been the one to ask for sex he rarely does. I am begining to conclude that he does loveme. We have a platonic relationship and he is comfortable with it. i am 36 he is 42.
Check his internet history on his phone and computer. If he doesn’t give you his passwords for those devices then you know something is wrong. Also check his Facebook searches, you will need to log in under his account to do this. Other apps to look for are; tumblr, reddit and instagram just to name a few. Sad to say but he is most likely taking care of himself while viewing other women. I am speaking from experience, not trying to upset you.
Did you like place a hidden camera in my bedroom for the last 10 years? This is me you’re talking about. I’m always the one asking, she is not adventurous, we always have obligatory sex, she never surprises or flirts, always in mommy mode, dont know the 1st thing about wearing sexy underwear and my compliments about her body are useless. I’m going to cheat someday. That’s a promise.
“Going to cheat one day”…..if you’ve given up to that point already, you are just as much of the problem as she is friend. I know what feeling trapped feels like. Many of us ‘good Christian husbands’ know. But that is still no justification for adultery. It is justification for a wake up call for you both. Be the man and talk to your wife openly and honestly but considerately and lovingly first.
True
So I am assuming you are all younger men and women, as this is a crock for an older woman!
Husbands love the Wife getting into some sexy nightie like a vintage sexy babydoll with a peignoir, so the Wife can tease him and turn him on,does that sound sexy,I think it does.
i think am going to follow this step. as i reject my husband now a days after having two kids. i think in different way, i thought that he will get tired and dont want sex after his office as he work at night. now i came to know, why he scolded me if i sleep late. coz he wanted to recharge at night before he sleep. a casual massage turn into sex. i mean intimacy, to reconnect with me. thank you for your article. i think it will lessen our misunderstanding and improve our marriage.
“Frequent sex = happy, attentive, listening, cuddling, caring, talking husband.” You’ve got to be kidding!!!! Frequent sex = him thinking everything is all right with her and the marriage, all the time and he has to consider nothing about her needs ( in the bedroom or out).
Elaine – if that is how you feel, you’ve got some communicating to do. It’s always a two way street. Selfishness must be rooted out from both ends simultaneously.
I totally agree with you….what about the wife???
Wow! I’m so surprise about what you said here. I’m a male and I feel you are speaking for me I feel the same exact way. Thank you so much, I have try to tell my wife everything you said. But now I will just print it and have her read it. Why? Because she will research everything else BUT sex related education and that’s where I feel she does not care. I wish that you would give more tips on what wife should do, on seducing the husband because like my wife she has no clue how to do that and we have been married for 13 yes. I like what you said” waiting on a restaurant to be seated an she whispering at me that she has no panties”. Wow! Also hiw she should seduce me at home and what kind of clothing she should wear! Yes I have bought her lingerie very expensive ones but she would not wear them. I hope this article open up her eyes. Thank you.
Faaaaantaaaaastiiiiiiic I love it.
Is there an article like this but reversed? I’d love to show my man.
Katilove, that is my thoughts exactly ! I BEG my husband for sex and he hardly ever wants it. He is 58 and I’m 27 BUT he’s never had any “problems” if ya know what I mean. I try to touch him and he rolls his eyes and huffs like “here we go again ” he thinks I’m a sex addict but seriously I’d be happy with just once a week, more would be fantastic but once we be good ! I feel like a guy all the time because I’m always saying sexual things to him or telling him how much I want him or grabbing his ass or trying to rub on him , but its always the same attitude like sex is a chore for him. This all started about a year ago. Before that it was at least once a week if not more and he actually would initiate it , now its always me initiating never him , and most times I get turned down until he feels like it and then it just seems planned out and not spontaneous at all but by then I’m just happy to be getting any at all. I just don’t get it, I feel like there must be something wrong with me or he’d want me.
Not to be rude be what did you think would happen marrying a man 30 years older than you? There’s a reason relationships work best when people are close in age.
I agree Katilove. It’s the reverse in our house and it’s frustrating to say the least. I have given up and patiently wait for my husband to want it. I won’t nag him about it, it’s not worth it. But this article could be for men in regards to their wife.
I”m a guy. I tried talking about what I wanted, things got better for a bit then went back to normal. A few weeks later I wrote a letter spelling out what I wanted, mostly sex related stuff since it was lacking, again things got better for a few days then it reversed to what it was before. Throughout the years, 14, I feel I tried to communicate my feelings about the subject but nothing, changed. Yesterday again I gave her another chance. We both wrote what we want from each other, my was the same old sex related stuff, her was mostly my lack of appreciation for house’s chores. This time I’m totally convinced that this situation will not change ever. I’m stuck in a relationship, a marriage of 14 years, with a beautiful child, the love of my life. I don’t see me walking out on them. I couldn’t live away from my child, but I feel at the same time I’m giving up on my happiness. I’m totally convinced that my wife can’t make me happy. I see in her behavior that she doesn’t care enough to even make an effort. Yesterday she wrote me that she felt I only want her for sex. I felt horrible because after 14 years she still don’t know my heart, or me as a man. I makes me really sad to know that, but I the same time I needed to know that, because I can start adjusting to the fact that I’m about to give up on my happiness and sex all together so I can stay with them and my child grows up seeing mom and dad. I know this have nothing to do with the 10 recommendation from above, I just needed a place to vent my feelings.
Revaj, don’t give up on your happiness or your marriage. Let your wife read this post.. As a wife, who was once normally very into sexuality, I lost it somewhere along the way. First I lost confidence in my own sexuality then I started to see my husband as only wanting me for sex and not appreciating me for the time and money and love I put into the home. It is starting to drive a wedge between us and I have feared he might cheat so then I get even more negative. I read this post today and it clicked! I can’t wait til he gets home.. I might pull some heels and that old black wig out the closet to surprise him! Don’t give up, and don’t give in! Let her read this post in a loving way!
revaj, to be all honest all I can read is your comments is that it’s all about you. no one can make you happy, that’s up to you. what if you stopped concentrating so hard on what you want and focused your attention on your wife and how you can make her feel cared for and loved? show her that you love her no matter what. because that is what she needs, we all need to be loved no matter how we *perform*. if she knew you loved her unconditionally I think you would see things change a LOT. I am willing to bet that if you asked her, she would tell you that she feels starved for affection. I can guarantee though, if you make an effort towards her and all the time have getting your needs met as the goal, she will see through it. True love is dying to self and doing what is best for your beloved.
good advice from scrooge and Christina for Revaj’s problem. He should definitely try to work it out, maybe a counselor, but I said it before, life is to short to stay in a sexless relationship. I wish I could put my feelings into words the way mission husband does. His advice may save my marriage.
Hello!
Very interesting… But how about when is the other way around? I am alwys initiation everything, sending flirty messages, I am a size 8 and 33 years old , have a pretty face and look after myself, but even though we do it often, it is usually done in minutes and he always does the same boring stuff! I love experimenting and having adventurous sex… He likes the boring normal sex and I feel very frustrated. I bought a police outfit, handcuffs, etc for our honey moon almost a year ago… Did we use them? Never! I am sick and tired of him being selfish and boring. Outside of bed he is a good husband even though we have had some problems, but we are working in them. I am pregnant now but thats not an issue and I look good still and have a nice bump, no stretch marks and he says he loves my body now and before and finds me sexy. He is just boring at times and I thrive and miss exciting sex. But he won’t compromise in anything or try anything. I have to fantasise and use my vibrator almost every day . And I never ever say no to him. But lately I am beginning to have enough of this as I believe I’m too nice (and good looking) to be begging for sex. He is also putting weight on and I don’t like fat. I know I sound superficial and yes I am but I am not an ugly fat woman. I am also not perfect but I Am A good wife, have his house clean, cook for him, yet look pretty and attractive not mumsy! I think we just have different libidos and there are women out there who are lucky to have men constantly wanting it and there are men out there with women like me but they are too busy with other thoughts that can’t be bothered to give us what we need. It works both ways :-(
Maybe he has trouble with premature ejaculation… your ideas might be too much for him to handle (too exciting)…
I couldn’t stop laughing while reading this….I love your humor! My husband will definitely agree with those points…can’t wait to use this with my hubby!
my wife and i have these issues most all of them she just rolls her eye as if to say im just some sexaholic sorry for spelling
wow! My spouse gonna read tis. Thanks.
ok well I do agree with the list and I have practiced most of them at least once. My problem is if I am his only sexual source, then why after 3 1/2 years that I still feel like I’m constantly in competition with almost every other girl. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I’m very tolerant most of the time – mostly bc I’m used to it and expecting it. However, both me and my sister feel uncomfortable at times and I have to periodically remind him of how disrespectful it is to stare and how it makes me feel unappreciated. Just last night I laid on the bed topless in a miniskirt and he didn’t even really say anything when he walked in the room. I had to ask what he thought. He said he thought my skirt was cute and he liked it. If it was anybody else, he’d be all over it drooling and lusting. Idk maybe it;s just me, but what does it take to be the only one he looks at with that look or what would it take for me to have his full attention? I just don’t get it.
I’m a male and i want to say that all of the listed items are true about me. If my wife behaves this way, i would be the happiest man in the world.
This list is absolutely true for me. I have often felt bad because of my sex drive and my wife seemingly lack of. At this point I am not sure what to do. This is one of the reasons why I don’t recommend marriage to people. Problems like this are built into a marriage. Sometimes being “not married” allows one to have more control over at least this aspect of life.
Thankyou
My husband read this he said the main.one he liked was 3, 4, 5, 8, and 11.
Awesome
Several guys have asked how to breech this subject with their wives. I too am so e what at a loss there. Even so, I have engaged her in it. I thought I would share what I sent her and maybe so done could take a few things from it and use it as they see fit. This is what I wrote her:
“I know you hate it when I send you something to read. I know you must think I’m just trying to tell you what to do and I know how that goes over. So you should know that it frightens me on some level and I fear this will be fruitless and you’ll likely never read it or do so with a dismissive attitude. I hope not though. It is not meant to be critical of you in any way. I ran across this blog post this morning and after reading it I thought “there is no better way I could put into words how I feel about sex than how this guy explains it.” Some of these thoughts I know I have shared with you but many of them I don’t think I have and have struggled to put it into words before. This guy nails it 100%. There is nothing here that I don’t agree with and feel on a regular basis. Many of these points you and I are spot-on with. Others I wish you and I were more in tune. I hope you can read this and truly understand it as only me continuing to try to communicate more adeptly with you to improve our overall relationship. That is continuing to improve and I appreciate all you do to make it so. I want us to grow old happily together. I don’t know what else to say besides please don’t dismiss this as just me trying to get more sex from you. That’s not why I’m sending it to you.
You may read this and think to yourself “I already knew all of that.” That’s ok, I would still appreciate if we discussed it later and you can tell me then you already knew all those things.
I also know there is a similar post from the woman’s perspective and I intend to read that one. I would encourage you to do the same and we can compare notes.
I love you more than I am able to express. I only hope you know that.”
I guess we’ll see how that goes huh?
I am reading your advice right now Casapolo and trying to figure out how to have my wife read this. You say she may respond “I already know this stuff,” but how do we have them act on it?
like your work, am a mother of 2.the first was just 9 month when I became pregnant again,now his 7 month old,I had implano inserted 5 days ago. It been fun. yesterday while he was at work I SMS him about how I just finished taking my bath, my naked body and how I was bending low to pickup my transparent night wear. He rushed back home, short down his laptop without saving his work, though the kids did not sleep till 11pm.though we still had sex after they slept.
What if it doesn’t work…you do all these things for him, looking after his needs, but then don’t get any of the emotional support so desperately needed? Where is the articles to teach him now to love me? and where is the man that actually cares enough to read such articles so that he can fill my love tank enough so that i can give unconditionally? Completely and utterly unfair that woman have to give and give to men, without any sort of garuntee that they will give back
Summerbird,
I agree that sometimes it is completely and utterly unfair that we have to give and give to men, without any sort of guarantee they will give back, but that is only when we are looking at it through our eyes. See, God has a plan for us each to serve our spouse and put their needs above our own and find our fulfillment in Him not our spouse. That’s hard! It takes a lot of work and attitude adjustments daily to make sure my attitude is right, that I am serving my husband because I love him, not because I want something back. I love to give to my husband and have learned doing it with no strings attached has changed how I view our whole marriage and my “responsibility” of always giving. There is no guarantee my husband will give back to me, but if I selflessly give to him each day, with nothing expected and pray for his heart to change, it will in time.
I do all of these things DAILY (constantly touching him, sexually flirting with him, giving him that I want you now look, I will do it with him ANYWHERE ANY TIME OF DAY) just thinking of my husband/looking at my husband turns me on immediately ! Erotic Intense passionate love making SEX with him is always on my mind & dreams …. So I’m guessing my husband doesn’t have to wish for all of this because I’ve been doing it DAILY FOR 11 1/2 YEARS and it comes naturally
:)
I find if interesting that I have better sex when I’m chunkier about twenty
This is a great list but what happens when the roles are reversed? My husband hardly ever wants sex
Love this!! I’m looking at things completely differently now and applying them to my relationship with my husband!! Thank you so much for sharing.
What if your husband seems not to have any interest for almost 4 months?
Read in private…..great article. seriously,read in private.
What an awesome post. I know there are women out there hurting, as their men might not be there where they love them to be intimately. I for this, it helps me understand my hubby even more. Fragile beings , just lie us. You would think human lol. Pleasing God by pleasing your hubby.
What if you’re the one who wants sex the most and try everything to get your husband to want you but nothing seems to work? My husband and I might have sex twice a month if that. He never comes on to me and when I try to get him to talk to me about things he likes or wants he never will. Help please. I just want him to want me and he doesn’t.
Tiffany I have the same problem with my husband. When and if you get any answers let me know. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Im in tbe same boat as both of you are. My husband stopped wanting me as soon as we signed the marriage license. Even on our honeymoon he wouldn’t make love to me. In the past 3 years we have made love 4 times. At this point I’d have sex with him just to feel the closeness and to feel wanted. Dont get me wrong I would love it if he would want to satisfy me but he just doesn’t want to so that is why I said I would settle for just having n feeling tje closeness. I have no clue wwhatto do. I’m at a loss.
I’m with you Tiffany… I know I am an attractive woman, even still, after a 30 year Godly marriage and homeschooling 4 sons, who are all happily married and serving The Lord. I try to keep my weight under check, keep myself nice for him and I look after him. At last we are empty nesters! I walk around half/wholly naked, wearing sexy underwear and I would love to spice up our sex life! Trouble is, he doesn’t seem interested… We have talked about my needs, but he doesn’t talk about his. He rarely makes the first move, I and when I initiate intimacy, he is not interested. We do have a fun and playful everyday relationship, but when it comes to the bedroom… Well, I am now becoming very frustrated, feeling unloved and wanting…
I lay awake next to him at night and either quietly cry myself to sleep or leave to sleep in the guest room because I want him so much!
I am now at my wits end and need to understand what is going on here, as I cannot take it any more.
Now I have nowhere else to turn. I’m scared now as to what I might do next. What do I do!
I do every single thing you have listed and MORE! I just do not understand why my husband still looks at porn. I have also suggested watching it together while having sex thinking that would help. I enjoy sex very much. I’m pretty much open to anything while having sex with my husband. I take care of myself. I think I’m attractive. What am I doing wrong? I understand being curious.. But every other day looking at porn isn’t right. Especially if your wife doesn’t complain about sex and wants you. I initiate sex all the time and I’m turned down with his excuse that he is tired. He says it isn’t me, it’s that he is truly tired. So I started going for morning sex and that was no. So it’s pretty much up to him when it’s okay to have sex. He has made comments during sex that “I’m too much”. I asked what he meant by that.. he says that it’s hard for him to last for a long time because he is so excited and cannot hold back. So he stops and takes a second and then continues. Am I doing something wrong? I want to please him.. Maybe I’m doing too much? Should I just leave him alone? Heck, maybe he is intimated by me and feels insecure? It’s very hurtful being rejected when you want to have sex with the man you love. I just don’t get it!
Angel:
your husband may need to go and see a doctor. There are several medical conditions that I can think of that could cause what he is going through.
As for the Porn, that is a no no, it is very addictive and don’t bring it into the bedroom. If he is viewing it a lot and pleasuring himself a lot then he could cause an erectile dysfunction just by doing that too much. Porn in small doses will help with arousal, but too much and it will negatively affect arousal. It is bad bad bad! And I am not saying this to be uptight and conservative, It is a fact that too much of a good thing is bad.
Porm will eventually lead him to being bored with you. Speak up now!!! Educate yourself on how porn addiction will destroy your sex life!!!
As a porn addict myself, I can relate to your husband. Not being able to last and that tired feeling come from masturbating too much. I am on the road to recovery and these things are getting lots better for me. The first step is to not be okay with him looking at porn (and telling him), likewise, he needs to accept it’s not okay.
I have to dissagree with the other comments about the porn. My sex life is great, and I don’t expect my wife to be like the porn girls. It;s a fantasy. Much better to fantisize then look to other women to cheat with. You girls need to understand, we love your bodies. Women of all types are hot. Some hotter than others. All the great art of the past has nudes because we like to look at nudes. The only difference is now we have the internet and its way better. Nothing more it just is. You are complicating it to much.
I loved the post ! Thank you for the tips, coming from a man is great. To know what other Husbands are thinking. I am a newlywed and I’m always thinking of ideas to spice things up with my husband. We just had a baby and were both young I’m 21 and my hubby is 24. I always want sex with my husband , but sometimes he tells me that he just wants to relax. Our relationship doesn’t consist of sex only. I thought that’s what men like sex ? So what’s the problem? Should we have sex everyday or every other day to keep things spiced up? I am little confused.
WOW, I cant believe how dead on this is. Came right out of my head. This is what I’ve been telling, well at least trying (when she’ll listen) to tell my girlfriend of 13 years. I don’t think she understands how I (men) value sex and this describes it perfectly. If all women understood this, there would be a significant lower divorce rate. I desire my girlfriend more then anything, and yet I get rejected all the time. When she wants something from me, I’m made to feel like if I don’t do it i’ll be punished with NO SEX and not just tonight usually the next month or two. I’ve been told when I come to her desiring the intimate connection with her, that it’s not her problem and I need to deal with my problems my own. If that’s not just about saying – go out and have an affair. But she’s also told me looking at porn or going out to a club and looking at another girl is cheating on her. How can a man deal with a sexual need, by doing nothing that involves anything sexual or be told he’s cheating? I’m coming to her and she’s saying go deal with it somewhere else???? I’ve resisted so far, but it’s taking a major toll on me. Maybe now that she has some problems and needs me to take care of them, I can just sit back and say there not my problems – deal with them yourself or just wait them out because I need to handle my own needs first and if you have anyone come to help you – that’s cheating.
Love how perfect this describes me. Well writing and hopefully she’ll read this.
The media tells us women lies, like ALL the time, about mens’ sexuality… I think men are (generally) less expressive and also can’t ready our minds or sort through the subtle ways the media shoves these ideas into our brains.
This was very very helpful. Broken down and very informative.
I love everything u said, and it’s true but in this case I am #7. For some reason my husband has control over sex and am the one that wonders all this things and when would it be the right time to ask and weirdest part is that I do ask. ” honey are we going to make love tonight” and when I hear the “no” part. it breaks my heart and I go to bed.
I found this interesting. My husband found this ans sent me the link as a way to tell me how he feels in the bedroom. I have to say that if the woman is always worried about her husbands wishes in bed then when is he worrying about hers. I don’t agree that a husband should have to have sex to be attentive or be loving toward his wife.
Maybe I’ve read this wrong but this seems like a modern day what wives should do for their husbands.
Is there one written by your wife or yourself about how they should act in the bedroom?
Thank you for the wonderful advice I’m going to try all steps starting tomorrow, I really want my husband to feel wanted sexually. There’s times he’d asked me if I ever find him sexually attractive and my answer is always ” ofcause baby” but I can tell he doesn’t believe me, but with the advise I got from you I’m going to make him the most happiest Husband on the Planet. Thank you and Thank you
Great article. I think I’ll see if my husband will read it. All I can say is enjoy sex while you can. My husband is close to 50 and isn’t interested anymore and I miss it. Yes he’s gone to the doctor but his doctor told him it happens and not to worry about it, grr. I’m not pleased with his doctor but my husband won’t get a second opinion and he’s not concerned. On the other hand I am frustrated beyond belief and hoping some day soon we can reconnect! Thanks for sharing.
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This has definitely given me a new perspective on how my hubby acts. The little things that he is always doing, like pinching my rear, kissing my neck or telling me I look really cute when I wear a black skirt to work, I usually just brush off… Yes, I think they are nice gestures and I love it when he does them but I never really understood why he does them!
My hubby also initiates sex a lot… I see why some days, if I don’t initiate it, why we just don’t have it… Not that I don’t want to. I just don’t think to start it or sometimes don’t know how to go about doing it!
This has given me a totally different outlook on things and I now know what I am “not doing” that makes him act the way he does… I will surely have a different approach to my hubby now!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been starting to feel like all my husband cares about is himself. You’re post describes him to a tee ! Now I can see what I thought as him thinking of himself, is him really thinking about me. Follow up post should be on how to find confidence in yourself sexually again!
My husband sent this to me to read and I did, but things talked about here are not really our problem. I have done different things that are out of the ordinary, our problem is he won’t get off his cell phone. So I’ve given up on trying new things. I’ve even stood in the living room doorway nude, he’ll look up from his phone smile and go right back to his phone for a few hours.
I read your whole post 2 times. Yet I have just the opposite problem. Me and my husband have been with each other for almost 6 years and when we first got together he couldn’t keep his hands or eyes off of me. 3 years ago that changed. Now I can’t get him to touch me if I undressed right in front of him and begged him to have his way with me. We might have sex 1 time a month if I’m lucky. I am always the one asking him to make love to me and he is always the one to turn me down or like the other day I brought it up and he said, I’m sorry but its not like I have sex on t be brain every minute of the day and night. I didn’t say anything and he and I jave not mentioned it or spoke about it sence. If y lou have any advise I would lovw to hear it. What am I doing or not doing right?. I want my husband to want me like he use to and even more but I just have no idea of what to say or do at this point. Thank you.
As a 38 year old husband who works part time and takes care of all 3 of our kids (6, 4 and 2)….this list is awesome and absolutely true! Could I have sex with my wife 6 times a week….sure, I’d love to. Do I expect that out of her….of course not. We have three kids, we have tiring schedules….times are tough and stressful. I have to say though, I’m a bit concerned that we are down to as little as 1 to 3 times a month IF we are lucky. And yes….it’s ALWAYS me asking, which I’m starting to have some concern about. I’ve brought this topic up on occasion….and the only reply I get is a reminder of what I already know….(we have 3 kids, times are tough, she’s tired).
I really like what you guys are up too. Such clever work and coverage!
Keep up the amazing works guys I’ve added you guys to blogroll.
Very nice article, well done! However… it’s like I’m reading about myself :/ In the place of the husband that is. In our relationship it’s the other way around. I’m the one always coming on to him, wearing underwear around the house and initiating sex in public places or shamelessly flirting with him. It’s become a bit of a problem for me, since, even though he loves me and thinks I’m the prettiest woman in his world, he doesn’t need as much sex as I do. So every time he lets me down in that matter, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. But what can I do, if he is amazing and hot and the sex is so unbelievable I want it all the time.
Nice
I’m 28 and my husband is 34. I’m always interested in sex, and it seems like such a chore for him. I feel like I just irritate him most of the time. If I touch him he rolls his eyes. If I wear lingerie he doesn’t notice. I’ve talked to him several times, and I can’t seem to get him to open up. I’ve told him to tell me what he wants/needs me to do. All he tells me is he’s tired when he comes home from work, and he doesn’t know what turns him on. He is never interested in me. If I do manage to get him turned on… it’s the same old routine. He seems more like the “wife” and I feel like I’m more like the “husband” when it comes to sex. We’ve been married almost 6 years. It’s been like this for about 3 years now. I’m tired of it, tired of talking, tired of getting no results, tired of being tuned down, and I’m about to give up. He usually communicates well, but not with this. Any suggestions.
;)
Absolutely it’s almost as if your in my head that’s exactly how I feel with my wife wow!!
While this post is great for those who are wanting to know this. I feel like this post is not addressing the main things that doesn’t get mention outside the bedroom and that is – why are some husbands so hard to get into the bedroom? – How do their wife address it with them without making the marriage worst? There has been conversations but as a wife I feel rejected and disappointed when my husband doesn’t want to be with me sexually. I feel like he does everything to avoid this moment and you may choose to say it is my fault but at the end of the day I have tried so many different things etc. date night, when he has days off, sexy new outfit, compliment him, so many hints. Sometimes when we are making out he is like ‘tuned out?’ He say it is not me and I am not doing anything wrong but if that the case why is this becoming such a problem and making him get angry lately when we try to talk about this topic. We can talk about anything else and we are fine.
I was reading through most of these posts, and especially starting with the reply by.Taighbeag and I must say that these are pretty much the responses I would expect. First off These 10 things are guide lines and meant to get you to think about sex with your husband because it is important. It is so important that I have been close to separation several times with my wive over the fact that she is just not interested in it at all. Listen if you want to stay married to your spouse do not ignore these because it is as important to your husband as communication is to you. This article is designed to get you thinking and being creative, to pull one thing out of the article and focus on that alone shows that you may need to think very seriously about this.
I also see that many affairs and broken marriages could have been avoided if more attention were paid to these 10 things. Look ladies, your husband is not going to beg for sex and if you reject him too many times he will shut down with you and likely move on to someone else.
If you have a higher sex than your husband then he needs to have his testosterone checked or you need to hire a private investigator. It is very very rare that a woman has a higher drive that a man because of testosterone (wonder drug) Low testosterone is a serious medical condition.
Either I am actually a man or all of these things are not only male thinking patterns. Every single one of those sounds like me and I am a woman.
I think this list could easily be reversed for husbands to know about their wives just because women do have a desire for sex sometimes higher then their husbands.
I have to say cheers on this write up
I honestly feel most of the time my wife just singles me out and thinks I’m the only one that feels this way even when ninety to explain it’s how us men are wired.
I emailed this to her :)
My husband got laid last night thanks to this list ;)
Spot on. I have seen examples of this many ties in my marriage. I might have thought you discussed this with him personally for some entries on the list. I know how much my husband loves it when I initiate and engage him in a sensual night of pleasure. It does change everything and makes us more connected in every way. Thank you!
I, for one, have heard numbers 1 – 11 many times from my husband…and I am guilty of everything you have said that a wife does to discourage or avoid sex. I love my husband dearly. I don’t know why after 15 years I just would rather go to bed in my flannels. Sex has been our major point of contention for the past 13 years. Boy, did you hit the nail on the head. Reading this made me encouraged and discouraged. Encouraged because I am obviously not the only one who is going through it, but discouraged because my husband doesn’t deserve the treatment that I put him through. I DO hurry to change into my pjs so he won’t get a glimpse. I DO NOT wear the sexy underwear he bought me for fear that will be a green light. I HAVE on vacation been very daring and adventurous, but that is few and far between the regular nights of nothingness. Thank you for sharing and waking me up.
This was a great post! Thank you so much for the insight!
This is great & sounds exactly right! I guess my question would be how does a wife do all of those things when the frequency is every day sometimes 2-3 times a day?!? How do we get the chance to desire & or initiate @ that frequency…?
I can’t believe no one has an answer for this!! ….like I said the article was great but it can’t help if I don’t get the chance to initiate!! Then it does become a chore because it’s do often, which then leads to other problems like him not feeling desired by me!! I guess I will not find an answer from any men or women here since it seems that most are deprived instead of “over sexed”!!!
I like sex with my partner all the time in as many adventurous ways possible. It’s a stereotype that women want routine. It is, however, nice to know that there are guys willing to skip the degrading porn/billboard images to satisfy their needs. Nothing turns me off more than watching a guy get turned on by another woman. I think a lot of women feel this way but don’t give themselves permission to express it. All around, great article.
I just want to say that about 30-40% of my friends have husbands who do not feel this way- at all! The steriotype that men need sex is sick to me. There are a lot of marriages where the WOMAN feels sex deprived by a husband that doesn’t want frequent sex. This is not at all, in any way limited to a man. Sex is important in a relationship. To the women who think they are fine without it > they should imagine a husband who has no interest in it.
Great blog! Appreciate the candor! The bottom line is that if the husband puts his wife’s needs and desires first and the wife puts her husband’s needs and desires first – it’s a win, win. Both are happy and content! I think this is what Paul meant when he wrote:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” (2Cor. 7.3-4).
The key word for each is “yield”; giving to each other; making it the sole aim of one to please the other.
By the way, verse 5 makes it clear that frequent sex in the marriage relationship is a means of grace through which wives and husbands overcome sexual temptation. It’s amazing the problems and pitfalls that can be overcome by husbands and wives keep each other satisfied sexually.
Dear missionhusband,
Ok, so how do I start this. After reading this post, I felt like you must have been reading my mind. I can not tell you how times I have said most of what you wrote only to have my beautiful wife roll her eyes at me. I have read many posts like this in the past, but never one that hit the mark so well. My wife after reading this, said that I have been telling her this for years and I think for the first time believe the both of us. You have giving us a much needed lift and we are looking at our future with a new found hope………….Many thanks, Bill
This is generally true for most men I believe..most of which I already knew..however it is very one-sided. The message to me was that my husband needs sex a lot, wants me to initiate, to spice it up and be his porn star, to like it and be turned on and to be his student and learn everything that turns him on and if I do all those things..he’ll be a happy husband. What was not addressed was that I am happy to fulfill all his physical needs if I feel that my emotional needs are being met..turning me on and making me want you starts way before the bedroom..if my husband did more of what he did in the beginning of the relationship then maybe the sex would be more like it was in the beginning. Listen up boys; if your wife feels loved and cherished and appreciated outside of the bedroom, she’s more likely to return the favor in the bedroom.
I agree with you on the fact that men need to treat their wives well, but this post was aimed at wives. There are plenty of posts reminding guys to treat their wives well on mission husband’s blog
Fabulous! I think this is a great read for the women and very insightful! However, for the MEN reading this and thinking, “if I can just get my wife to read and apply, my prayers will be answered”….you might be met with a little resistance. You might want to think about what’s in your power to change..which is only yourself. If she’s a good woman, she’ll do the same…
My husband never wants any of these things. He never wants to have sex and its me who wants him to want me and its me who is always initiating and sending him sexual texts every now and then and trying to get him interested in me and sex. What do u do when you’ve tried and done everything you can think of and he still doesn’t want you?
I did not understand why wife should approach sex as being porn star for him.
Oh, this was an excellent list! Thankfully, my husband is a FANTASTIC communicator, and I already knew this list to be true for him, however, it helps tremendously to read it in black and white; restarts those rusty wheels in my head. I love that men view sex differently than me, I’m almost jealous that I don’t seem to be hard-wired in that way…I don’t know if this ends up on the “wife’s” list regarding sex, but one of the things that personally makes it difficult for me to let loose, especially due to my Christian upbringing, is the fear the my husband might think I’m being slutty or impure if I talk dirty or take the reigns a bit. I spent so long trying to uphold a demure position as a teenager and young adult, that it’s strange to just suddenly reverse that. I know, it is SO silly, but I’m being honest! That really puts a stumbling block to my sexuality. Do any other women feel that way?
I want to disagree with one of the points in the article: “Your husband thinks you’re gorgeous and there is nothing you can do to change that.” Yes, there is. There are men, a minority, who find overweight women attractive. I and, I think it’s safe to say, the majority do not. Like it or not, men are aroused by visual images. Show a man a picture of a fat woman and you get nothing. Show him a picture of a woman with a body that is toned and in shape, and you get arousal. That may sound shallow to women, but it is the case–that’s in the hard wiring. When have you heard of a man looking back after an overweight woman passed by–maybe to stare, but not because he is attracted? Women really hate to hear this because they want to believe the myth that their husbands will want to have sex with them regardless of how they look. That is categorically not true. Unless something has changed, the last time I checked, it was necessary to have an erection in order for a man to have sex. Without that, it would have to be chemically induced and I don’t even know if that is possible. For the most part, men are not aroused by overweight women and, without arousal, there is no erection, and, hence, no sex. If there are men out there who can convince themselves that they are really not seeing what they are seeing and become aroused anyway, I have not met them and I am not one.
Women, particularly wives, want to imagine that their husband is more concerned with them being his friend, soul mate, partner, etc. That spending time together, cuddling, etc. is more important than sex. Wrong! Sex is a very critical ingredient od a marriage and without it, for whatever reason, it is a powder keg.
I am not suggesting that there is some kind of a double standard. There may be women who would say the same thing and that is just as fair. I’m not a woman so I’m not proposing to know.
I have heard it suggested that it is the images men see in pornography that has led to this situation. I would disagree. What is shown in pornography is a reaction to a market demand. The images follow the desire, not the other way around. It makes no sense that the porn industry would try to modify men’s preferences from what they naturally are. Are they trying to attract men to overweight women? Why? They are simply following the money.
So, anyone reading this, particularly women, can call it shallow. I assure you it is not. It is the simple truth. Ask yourself this. If you walked past or met your husband today, would he give you a second look? If the honest answer to that is no, then something is wrong.
I love this. Love everything about this post. I have to run out the door.. but if I had time I would sum this all up with .. I am so glad he shared this and I love this info.. thank you!
oh and one more thing.. I hate the term ” getting laid “. That is so crass.. I didn’t get laid this morning, I had a really nice intimate moment with my husband and loved every second of it.. didn’t want him to go off to work. And I am wondering what he is thinking all day now at work? Does he think about it? Does he remember me? Just hate the term ” getting laid “. Its so .. ugly.
Good too know!
I like this post, but everything about it is so obvious. I’m a woman and I love all the things about sex that men enjoy. Adventure, “naughty” sex, fantasies, being it on! There’s nothing so extreme in this post that should make any woman think, “oh my god, I don’t think I could ever do that!” When I checked out this post I was hoping to hear something that I had known prior to reading it, since it was wrote by a man. Also, don’t kid yourself if you think all husbands look at their wives and would prefer looking at them over that billboard model you were speaking of. (Have you seen some husbands and wives out there?) Let’s face it, many people let themselves go after being in a committed relationship. At the very least they do look. Who doesn’t? We are human. They might even think about them at times while your having sex. Good for them. It was probably a great night of sex for both partners.
I actually got teary eyed from reading this because it hit so close to home. In the recent years, my hubby and I have not had an adventurous or frequent sex life because we have focused our time and energy on our children, school, work and home…, and then each other. We make up for it by exchanging material gifts. (Boring and ineffective!!!) Our “naughty toys” have been stashed in the back of the closet for 3-4 long years. I have noticed my husbands confidence as a man has greatly decreased, no matter how much I tell him I love him and appreciate him! I would do anything to bring his self esteem back to where it used to be when he could literally conquer the world!!! Now, I understand and am so grateful for this blog! I love my husband dearly and I think he IS the sexiest, most amazing man in this world! Now, I have an idea as to how to make him feel like he is that person to me again! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you
Seems like you’ve nailed it all, Im one of the 97 out of 100 men who loves this kind of treatment and I just wanna say Im so proud my wife need not to read this blog to satisfy me with sex because I feel that the feeling is mutual between us. She tells me it turns her on seeing me thoroughly enjoying what she does and even wanting to do more. She tells me how many orgasms she had and how hot I am that just bursts out my self esteem. Well I am just a 5’4″ guy weighing 75k… But i do believe her when she says I am hot..lol
Great article.
I realize this is an old post but I just came across it accidentally and got a little excited to read through it for a little advice but sadly, very little of this applies to us. I only wish this is how my husband thought and felt. Feeling even more discouraged now.
Thnku fr this msg…bt in my case its different..I almost everytime respect his feelings…I am kind of wife who teases a husband, flirt with him in a kidding manner, love him, kiss him but he always tries to ignor me and address me as a girl who always wants to have sex or very chipku girl…I don’t think that he finds me as the most beautiful women or so???
Please help me and suggest me that what should be my attitude towards this kind of behavior or ignorance of my husband??? Plz ASaP..
thanks for this nice write up…..it is inspiring
In response to #7:
I absolutely HATE IT when my hubby asks if I want to have sex. It makes it feel so… blah!
Great read though!
I enjoyed reading your guest post. In my relationship your post makes me feel like the guy. It wasn’t always that way. When we first got together physically, his sexual appetite was huge. He would pull me in the bedroom at any time we were alone. As soon as we got in bed at night his arms were around me and away we’d go. I would wake him up when I was in the mood and he would wake me up. It was non stop flirting with each other neverm passing by without a kiss. About three months ago that all stopped. Now its like he doesn’t even care about sex or even cuddling. I start everything. I’m 40 and he is 34. Whats wrong?
Have you looked into a pornography problem. Its the elephant in many role reversal situations. Know this with out question you are loved and adored by your creator. Knit perfectly together. You are desired and loved by an adoring God and through him all things are possible. Praying for you Angie.
I think you are spot on with this. I wish my wife and I had a normal marriage. It’s been stressful for so long that its a miracle if we do it once every 6 weeks. It was numerous times a weekend when we were dating. Whenever I bring it up and try to talk about it, she accuses me of just wanting her as a sex toy and not as a wife. The sad part is , we were never like this before.
Is there any women on this comment board who thinks they are a man after reading this. I sure do! I kind of want to copy and paste this into a word document, switch the gender roles, and print it out for my husband! It’s weird, everything a man goes through relates to me. My husband is always the one rejecting me.
I feel the same exact way!! My husband always rejects me no matter what I do! Every since I got pregnant (our son is 2 months old) he doesn’t even look at me the same. He use to be this touchy flirty guy and as soon as I got pregnant it all changed. I hope it gets better for you!
Ooooh lord god bless smart people and why we are the way we are as men. My wife came across this and FINALLY she understands me. I’m now relaxed with her apology and our intimate night. I’m sleeping good tonight. Thank you again.
Howdy! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content.
Please let me know. Cheers
No problem :)
I appreciated this read. I fell into it because my husband is away and I wanted to flirt with him. The problem is this and its piercing. My husband had a porn problem for some time. I can walk in front of him naked and I might as well be Mother Theresa. Its gotten better but my heart aches to be wanted and desired in this way. We have arguments about it often and I feel as if Im broken and one of a million other women. I don’t know what to do anymore, he says he no longer looks and is an amazing father and husband. I initiate love making and he is just a robot. He could go weeks with out even mentioning it. Its gotten better thank God for that. Just hard to read things like this. I cried out to God asking why he allowed me to stumble upon this. Pray for me, my thoughts wander to times when Other men desired me. I have a beautiful family and I know thats a lie. Thanks for sharing.
I completely relate to your comment. I know how you feel
Best and most honest article I have ever read…I’ve complained about, just about everything single thing in the article to my wife…great job letting women know how men really feel….
100% dead on. Almost stolen from my thoughts. Great article.
THANK YOU SO MUCH…. IT IS SOOOOO HELPFUL WHAT WAS MENTIONNED HERE…..I WILL DO ALL BUT WHAT IF I WAS SOO TIRED!!!!
Very very nice article.
I hope my comment is not too long winded.
On those who need to send it this article to their wives, I suggest putting it on a scheduler for monthly reminder. Married for >20 years. Been there, done that. Woman just don’t “get it”. My wife is attractive and sexual (at times). I’ve tried talking straight many times over the years (about these 11 points) and it helps for a little while. She’ll be like “tonight this or that”, then evening comes and Facebook or a movie gets her love and attention till she’s so tired or just ‘forgot’ about everything she ‘promised’. In the meantime I’m like a raging bull, waiting for an amazing physical and emotional event that never comes. This can go on for days sometimes, each morning “oh no, I fell asleep again, sorry honey. Tonight I make it up to you…” and there you go again. I do not think she does it with intent to punish me or tease me, but it is just not as important to her. When a woman flirts (in a sexually explicit way), a man think she says: “I want to have sex with you” and from there on he is her ‘mental slave’ as he can hardly think about anything else until that fantasy she created is fulfilled. For her, it’s just, “make me feel sexy and desired, thank you, that will be all”. Tip for younger ones: I have learnt not to expect anything (guaranteed) from her and my best chances are just as she comes off her period. So that’s when I try to be at my very best behavior, so maybe I can get lucky for real. Sometimes I feel like such a pervert for wanting sex. She does not deny me flat-out, she would just ‘stall’ or just not be that ‘into it’, so it will not be enjoyable anyways. I just stopped asking, it just makes me feel worse for being like a drooling doggy who want to hump her all the time. It is just to demeaning, so eventually you try to learn to live with it, “so it is”.
What’s I’m trying to say is, although there are women out there who might be great sexual partners, they’re just not into it like men are and sometimes it feels like she just kills all life in me if she keeps me frustrated like that. We recently tried sex-pills (from adult shop) and it was great, except she had 3 orgasms, sooo satisfied and lovable, smuggles up and falls asleep, me still at a heart-rate of 180bpm with a volcano waiting to burst. At times like that I just feel like a worthless blob that must melt into the earth. Especially if it goes on for days of teasing, then finally great sex, but no release for me. At least she is satisfied and we have good sex, so I suppose “count your blessings”.
I love my wife, I would never leave her, we do luckily still have occasional great sex, but I can understand that some woman struggle to get their husbands into bed. At some stage, to keep yourself from going crazy and stop feeling like a perv, you start to convince yourself that sex is not necessary. Then all sexual desire start to die off, you have to, it’s all or nothing. That is a sad place to be but I can see myself going that route, the constant frustration and build up/disappointment cycles is just to much to bear and to keep addressing it is to demeaning.
Hey.. Couldn’t agree more with everything on here, but guys be wary – just fwd’d on to my other half n now she isn’t talking to me! Sort of the opposit reaction to what I was hoping for lol. “I thought we were ok in that area!!”
After reading this, it is like I am seeing him through a brand new pair of eyes. I read the article twice to make sure I absorbed it all. It all makes sense now. After 17 years of marriage, I finally get it. Thank you so so so much.
P.S. #2 really hit home for me.
my husband having sexual feelings but not feeling especially on me ….its a big problem between us from past 5 years
Well, my first wife was always telling me go to bed or get it over with quickly. After weeks I would get tired of the same answer. Then it was me asking to let me rub on her. Days passed and finally one night I didn’t even sleep and skipped work the next day and asked her to take me to the hospital because I had not slept all night. Why? Actually it was because I had not had sex for months with her engaged in it. Skipped it most nights. There was no other times except when I once forced her on a light summer night in Sweden. Now it’s 20 years later. 30 years after our marriage. 14 years after our dissolution of marriage. I can’t live with you I told her. I found a better wife to have sex with then ten years ago. Then that one cheated on me after I brought her from the Philippines to USA. Now she is living with me part time and not with her boy friend. Yet the same problem remains. I don’t get sex enough. This is actual fact. I don’t believe it is at all wrong that men have stronger sex drive than women. The woman that wrote that is sick is all wrong herself. Some women may have very strong sex drive, but I doubt very many do. This fact that I just want to see my now significant other naked is so very true. I don’t need anything else if I can just see her naked on a regular basis. I’m glad when she does suddenly go topless or does not complain that I grope her or touch lightly her left breast or right breast or squeeze a butt cheek. Although she did let out a sound of complaint when I did that the other day. I guess I have to just wait until she feels like it. I want her to read all of your points here about what are my needs. It is not just something I want. It is something I need. Sex twice a month is not going to be enough for me and I am 54. One problem has developed after I turned 50 and I noticed more at 51 then 52 and 53: When I see her naked or realize we are going to have sex I don’t get an erection from it. I must now resort to touch by myself or her to get an erection. The doctor said well you are 54, it’s not a problem. Another doctor had diagnosed me with ED and I twice experienced PE. My libido is just as strong as ever. My testosterone level is normal. I have now learned there are exercises for a man to do by himself to improve his sex organ. I have also learned that a pill is not a good treatment and that painless injections to my organ(at the base of the penis done by myself) can likely return me to the way I was all this time from my boyhood until age 50 with spontaneous erections from thoughts or sight of nudity. I think the key for me is to help my once wife to orgasm and at least once a week I am guessing. I know how to feel good having sex and it is nice her favorite position is mine too. Enough about myself. Thanks for your very good information. I’m hoping to share it soon with my partner. Like tomorrow night for example when she said is the soonest she will be ready after her long period is over with. She did tell me once that I am better than her boyfriend. I get along with both of my ex-wives. Peace out.
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I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I have been with my husband for 17 years and lately have been feeling a little disconnected sexually. After reading your post I have realized that I may have the power to change what is lacking in our sex life. With busy work schedules and 3 kids, life becomes a little mundane and I guess I have forgotten that my husband’s needs are a priority too. I struggle with insecurities and I think the 2 of us together have difficulty being open about what each of us need (in the bedroom) as I am approaching 40 I am coping with idea of getting older and no longer being desirable to my husband. It seems my sexual fantasies and desires are becoming more of constant where as my husband’s interest in sex has started to dissipate. I rarely initiate sex due to possibly being rejected. When asking my spouse about this he claims he has been turned down by me so many times that he gets tired of asking. I didn’t think I was turning him down that often, it’s just sometimes it’s not the most opportune time to do the deed. So I have read this blog and I am going to try to improve by following your tips. Thank you for the insight to a man’s mind….I hope this works!
This is a testimony that I will tell to every one to hear. I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until I met a post where this man DR Ekpiku have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email:Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com
I’m just astonished! Is this really how women act towards their husbands? We have sex every night (married 20yrs and counting). When I’m on my cycle I go down on him. He’s brilliant in bed at night and in the morning sometimes. We have 3 kids, so things slowed down when they were small (meaning 3-4x a week), but I feel I need it as much as he does.
I agree with u!! This is how it should be!!! At least 3-4x per week…I’m a little biased on the everyday because that is my life for the past 15yrs, everyday, multiple times a day. And same thing when on the cycle I go down as well… But my question would be with it being so regular how do u get the chance to do the initiating? I never get the chance & usually am exhausted from it to even try before he does…I also do the majority of things listed in the article as well, get sexy, strip teases, etc. but he still doesn’t feel desired by me…
I read all of these and I truly wish this was right about my husband… Ever since I got pregnant (our son is 2 months old) he doesn’t even look at me the same… I have tried everything I know to try and he never wants me. He’s always tired or just has no excuse. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he just says there’s no reason. Any advise?
This is a great post a must read for all wives no matter how many years you have been married. Obvious info that make sense and put very well into words.
So how about a post on what perspective women have on sex for men. This was awesome by the way
I for one found this very helpful in understanding what my husband is thinking, it really explained a lot of thinga he does that I don’t understand! If this all will make him happier then I’m all for it! And this would be wonderful advice for other newlyweds like myself! Thanks for the post
Last week experience was the happiest moment of my life,i and my wife were separated for close to 3 years and ever since she left me i have always find things difficult for my self,taking care of the kids and especially my business which was going down gradually because of lack of concentration.I have always thought of getting her back but she refused because really i caused her disappearance i cheated on her often and when she could not take it she took for a divorce and after which i brought one of my girlfriend in looking forward to get married to her but not less than few weeks i noticed her ugly character and definitely such can not make a good wife i had to stay unmarried because i realized that after my wife left i could not find any woman as committed and humble as she wife was.
To cut my story short i have gone wide in search for a powerful spell caster and i was informed by some of my friends that i should contact Priest Ajigar that he is very powerful and he can solve my problem i took his email from my him,i search his email and name on Google that same day to my surprise i saw so many persons testimonies saying that Priest Ajigar helped them to bring back their ex and also restored their broken marriages i contacted Priest Ajigar and he told me all i need to know and he ask me to give him 4 days that my wife is going to call me on phone i thought it was a joke and to my greatest surprise she really did call me, we kept on talking for like two weeks after which she came back home and said she is giving me the last chance that if she should stay with me as his wife again i should promise not to cheat on her again.I am so happy today to let the whole world know that Priest Ajigar is spell works and to all who are in search of help should contact his email:(priestajigarspells@live.com)
I find this list very stereotypical; that the husband is the one always wanting sex and trying to convince his wife to do it. I’m a woman, and sex is very important and necessary to both my husband and me. But the main problem I have is with a statement made in #8…”he needs to feel accepted by you, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE NOT PARTICULARY INTO IT THIS TIME.” So the woman is supposed to fake enthusiasm?? How incredibly selfish…and sounds almost like rape. It would be a huge red flag for me if my husband tried to keep convincing me to have sex when I’m clearly not in the mood. Part of what makes everything so good is the mutual enthusiasm; not one person giving and the other taking.
You can choose from having sex when you’re not that interested because you love him and want to fulfill his needs or chances are that he will take care of himself with pornography. I will have sex with a smile on my face every day of the week if he wants to, thank you very much.
Michelle,
You said it! If my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me and help me with my “urges” (God forbid I should have them Trailrnr!) then it’s just a matter of time I’ll look for a release somewhere!
Perhaps Trailrnr would find some fault in me looking else of course!
Exactly
Comparing making love to your husband to rape is so insensitive and ignorant. Have someone hold a knife to your throat, hit you, tear your clothes off, then penetrate you… then make that comment. Or, just trust me it’s not the same.
Lets be clear, husbands can rape their wives. Rape is not you sucking it up with a smile to please your husband. Rape is him FORCING himself physically onto you after you have told him no, whether you told him verbally or physically ie. Pushing him away, trying to separate yourself from him. You think him continuing to ask may be his way of attempting to seduce you because you aren’t in the mood? Being persistant is not rape. Please be very careful with how you use that word. My husband has kept pushing for sex when he wanted it and I didn’t, I would never ever compare that to being raped. Sometimes we need to be selfless and at least offer a helping hand.
Wowwww..the comment alone is selfish.i do things for my wife in some aspect or another that dont always tickle me to do but i still do it..go bird watching or sun at tge beach..i work in sun all day last thing i wanna do on a day off is go sit in tge sun..but i do it because im with her and i see how happy it makes her..it dont always have to be mutual..tgeres some nights i give her oral then cover her up and go to bed..for you to use the word rape is apalling..glad im not married to you..
Really good article but none of it really seemed to apply to my situation. I’m the one who wants sex in my marriage and my husband could really care less about it. We’ve had his hormones checked and all that came back normal. So what more can I do? I need help to figure this out
Wahh !! I loved your list i’ll use it certainly !!!
What if your husband use to want to have sex all the time but now he never wants too?
I read this and then a couple weeks later my husband saw this website and decided to read it Later he asked me if I had read this. and I asked him why? he said it was like reading his own thoughts.
Thank you now I understand my husband better
I absolutely LOVED this post! Reading this was truly an eye opener and helped me get a better idea of what goes on in my husbands head. I was in the dark on so many things, I can’t wait to put all of this new knowledge to good use!
Thank you !! That’s really helpful..although i’m not always that satisfied..but i really like to make him happy aand felt loved and don’t feel rejected.thanks for the advice !!
Hi there, wow what a post. I’m not married, nor do I have kids or a boyfriend, but will keep this in mind for when the time comes that I do, even though a lot of this is common sense, but I thank you nevertheless. :) Can more men be as communicative as you are? Thanks so much, Dr. Hitch !
This hit home for me while reading with my partner who I’ve loved since we met I became emotional . Thank you for this .
You have just saved my marriage. What a great read xx
Still waiting for a list from the wives perspective! always about the husband and his need, so tired of having to DO everything and BE everything for him…If he put this much effort into being a gentleman, being kind, attentive, loving supportive, and maybe took me dancing or just comes into the kitchen while i’m making dinner and twirls me around WITHOUTH having sex as his agenda..then maybe i’ll be more willing to accommodate his carnal desires…
I love your response, but good luck waiting for that list….this site seems a bit old fashioned in its thinking…a marriage is partnership, not wife being obligated to take care of everything
It’s sad really, even after this list some of you are still going on about how you aren’t the most beautiful woman in the world. Beauty is perception! So stop. I’m insecure, I’ve got a c section scar, loose skin from having 2 kids, stretch marks like only a mother could believe, I am far from being nominated for the sexiest woman alive award, but does that matter? No. My husband won’t be nominated for sexiest man alive anytime soon either, but to me he is the sexiest man alive. Sure there are people who look like they were built in a scientists lab, but my husband is the most attractive man alive to me. I don’t feel desire when looking at other people. I can appreciate their attractiveness, but I only feel that desire when looking at him. Although I may not always believe it because of my personal insecurities I can imagine it is much the same for him. This list didn’t really apply since we are on the same wavelength sexually, but nevertheless it was a great list. Just remember ladies, you don’t have the be the most beautiful woman in the world to be the most beautiful woman in HIS world.
That’s why I tell my wife she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. She’s my centerfold girl i want pinned on my wall. I truly mean it. It would actually be hurtful if my sincerity is being doubted or dismissed..
I feel beauty is part of true, unconditional love that makes my wife everything I desire physically and emotionally and that’s how it’s always going to be no matter what physical changes may happen.
Thank you that was very helpful :) he read it too and said it was amazingly true
There should be no question a woman’s job biblically is to please her husband. She is his and she swore to obey him. End of story women if you get married No is not an option if you married with swearing to obey him. It is our job to be ready and not to want to be satisfied
What a wounderful article. We have been married for five years, and our sex life/emotional fulfilment is already slowing… after reading this I see alot of mistakes I maybe making. I am going to try this advice and see where it takes us! Thanks alot
I found this information really useful, as my husband tells me this stuff most of the time but it is useful to hear it explained a different way. I have a lot lower sex drive than my husband and feel embarrassed a lot of the time I find it hard to relax and enjoy sex to the full and it is causing problems in our relationship, we have been married for 20 years and have had our ups and downs. I find it hard to think of new and different ways to spice up our sex life, don’t suppose you have any ideas. Many thanks karen.
Wow..pulled right from my own mind Excellent Read..Thz
I have been in a relationship for a little over a year and became engaged in Aug this year. I love my fiance but there is something I don’t understand. It seems to me he would rather watch porn than interact sexualy with me. I enjoy sex and when we do have a night of intimacy it’s amazing. But I always initiate it. I give oral sex frequently. I dress up, I try to be spontaneous (but get turned down alot). I can’t compete with the porn I don’t know what to do.
Porn addiction definitely does that. It can be very hard to be turned on and satisfied by a real woman when your porn-fueled fantasies go EXACTLY the way that you hope they do — at least in your mind. What porn supplies is a fake solution to the desire for perfect gratification, and that means getting further away from reality. Sounds strange to those outside porn addiction, but it’s true. By getting away from real sex, where part of the fun is that things don’t go exactly as you hope, porn addicts get to a place where they can only be aroused by things going exactly as they imagine it. Since so much of sex starts in the mind (for men it’s what they see, for women it’s so often what they hear), the porn addict’s mind is being re-structured to disassociate sexual gratification from the imperfect (but absolutely awesome) messiness that is real sexuality. Any man would reassure you that, if you really do attend to him as much as you say you do, you are the perfect wife. Not porn-star perfect (no need for that), but perfect by real-wife standards. But to the porn addict you could be just not porn-perfect, and there are no other shades of acceptability. And by the way, the introduction of so many props and so forth, if done too much, can lead to much the same thing.
One thing that is in your favor. Most men get involved in porn because they are looking for receptivity. The fantasy goes along the lines of a woman saying simply, “I accept you. I don’t tolerate you or love you in a purely platonic way. I receive you.” But apparently you’re not keeping your fiance (now husband?) at an emotional distance or giving him the message that he is not acceptable.
You have to get your husband off porn if possible. It will take some time, and once he does get away from it, it will take even more time for him to remember what sex is supposed to really be like.
I enjoyed reading this article and everything is dead on!
As a guy (I don’t reflect all guys, and I may be wrong) I feel
you left out physical appearance, I love my wife to death
I think she is the most beautiful woman on earth but I feel like her body can improve a bit.
I can’t find a way to tell her this without sounding like an ass.
If my wife made this change I feel I would be the most accomplished, luckiest, and most thankful guy on EARTH!
Lets just say that my wife is 99.99% perfect, and this detail above would make her 100% perfect.
Any help from you is greatly appreciated.
Best advice ever, just this morning i deside to wear a skirt and no pantys my husband was so suprice and he loved it thanks for ur advice we were like lovers today
I was selfishly looking for something on how my husband can turn me on more when I stumbled across this gem of an article. Awesome article! My husband does think I’m the most beautiful creature on the planet and you brought it to my attention (with humbling tears in my eyes) that I’m not fulfilling HIS needs. THANK YOU! I’m sure my husband would also give you a huge thanks too…later when he gets home and I follow some of these tips ;)
Thanks for your advice
I love what u saying’! I try Int and. Int work’ tanks
This is so good ladies! This guy hit everything right on the button. I probably wouldnt be divorced if my ex had read this. Sad but true..it’s so important to us guys.
Statements like “on how a man and woman view sex in totally different ways” followed by an article which describes how anyone with a normal to high libido feels, regardless off gender, just adds fuel to harmful sexual stereotypes. I don’t disagree with the 11 points; they are spot on. I disagree with your assumptions that these 11 things apply mostly to men.
Thank you for posting this. My husband said he wanted me to be more sexual. I had no clue what that met, and this post gave me an idea of what he met. Thank you so very much. This is very helpful.
Ok…..so what about the husband who never asks for sex…and when I offer he says “I guess” and when I try to spice it up or initiate he tells me he’s tired and just wants to get it over with? Never wants to touch me or be touched by me? Doesn’t want to see me naked ever? Even before we got married? My husband might be interested in sex once a year….maybe.
very very nice article!!!! These are the things I want from my wife….All the points highlighted so nicely by the author are my “heart words”.I am thankful to the author for so nice article!!!
Wow..your driving the nail home with this article..im a caveman..6ft2 300 lbs and im just shy of lumberjack or alaska outback man..as a real man you cant leave out like you said a little grab going a long way but theres also something about a woman being a little demanding and grabbing with a bit of grip n just holdin on..a danty woman or even a muscle woman cant hurt with a grab to his junk if its a sexual grab..trust us we know the difference..real men arent made of flowers and silk..sometimes a hard grab and a look to say this is mine and im gonna tear into this as soon as i can..ladies just dont hold back..show your man that you will club him on the head n drag him to the cave too
This one of the best things I’ve read this yr. Thanks.
Thank you for this blog.
I have been married almost 20 years to my wonderful husband and best friend. We have had our ups and downs in all departments not just in the bedroom, just like any other couple, but we are still here. It is always good to see intimacy from a males perspective. We females don’t always see and understand this as we tick differently.
Funny your mention of the ‘whispering of going commando’ ;0), my hubby has asked me on more than one occasion to dare to do this, but as yet I have not, maybe just maybe…. And once, I know only once, we had a liaison in a park after a romantic meal out one evening and it was oh, 10 plus years ago now, but you know he still talks about it – privately of course.
Your article rings so many bells and yes I can see where he is coming from more now.
I also do wonder like so many others before me how my husband can see me as sexy and gorgeous after 4 children and stomach surgery, with the baby fat, stretch marks and now scars. But you know he still tells me and I still roll my eyes and cannot believe him, for this I am sorry. I need to believe him, so thank you for the insight here.
To you I would like to send a huge hug. Your wife is such a lucky lady.
I must save this blog and try some of your suggestions, life will be so much more spicier and fun.
Excellent read.
this really helps one relationship to grow in healthy manner..
My husband hates everything that you mentioned. What you described sounds much more like me. He hates being complimented or flirted with, he doesn’t like to have sex, he is offended if I say he looks sexy or hot (says that’s or high schoolers, not people in their forties), He only reconnects when he is hounded about it,…
Thank you!!! Thank you!! I just realized how truly lucky I am and that I need to be more conscience of my response to him in this situation. Thank you again!!
Wow! Excellent article. You should add this to your mission marriage Facebook.
As a 10 yr married man I can say this list hits everything I feel I’m missing, right I’m the head.
I love my wife, i tell her every day, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and she does know that.
For me, #1 and #2 are the same, sex isn’t optional in the sense that the intimacy I share exclusively with my wife is how I connect with her at a level that I don’t have with anyone else. Sex makes me feel closer to her, more emotional about her.
I was #3 , being the one always asking. Which lead to the consequences of #7, I don’t even want to initiate sex from the ways I have been turned down/dimissed in the past.
#4 and #5 are so true, my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and i mean it when i say it. I don’t think she realizes when she dismisses or disagrees with me that it’s hurtful to me because i do say it sincerely.
#6,#8,#9 and #11.. These are the things i fantasize about, the things that i fell are missing from my marriage. The things that tempt me to look at other women. I’d never cheat on my wife, but as much and as often as I go out of my way the last 10 years to wow my wife, I feel I need to be wowwed too. This is very significant to me at this point of our marriage – i want to feel physically desirable in my marriage too.
I think your list as a whole, nails it on how to do it.
You are the man! i have never been able too explain it the way you have.
99.9% of men are programed this way I’d say.
At least i don’t feel so crazy when i mention stuff similar to my wife.
What happens when the husband is fine having sex every 30 days or so and wife wants it everyday…could go twice a day. When attempts are made, rejection. I’ll tell you lonliness and very hurt feelings. Hard to believe I’m beautiful when I’m sexually neglected.
Blog about that.
I completely understand!!! You feel like there is something wrong with you, right? Then when you ask about it hubby says its nothing that you are doing wrong. Hard to feel sexy or want to try harder than you already do to get sex from hubby. So you keep it inside but then there builds up a lot of resentment in other areas Bc you see you try to keep him happy in every way you know how (cooking, cleaning, listening, taking care of family, etc) anything that you know makes him happy but still no sex. Frustrating, believe me, you are not alone!
Love this because it’s soo true! Im sure my husband would also agree! Lol I try my best to keep him happy and after 8 years of marriage I can honestly say things are still as good as ever or even better than they were when we first got married. Not just when it comes to sex but also communicating. I have a very high sex drive and I love to surprise him with a BJ when he least expects it(when he’s driving ;)), put the kids to sleep and then when he’s watching a movie or something come out of the room naked(he will go crazy!), we have had sex in many different places, and I am guilty of going commando with a skirt on (and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion) because I know those are things that drive him crazy and I would do anything to make my man happy! Especially because he tries his best to make me happy as well. Anyway, I think whatever works for you and your partner! Not everyone likes the same things and that’s ok. :)
thank you for this list. I am very bad about not initiating intercourse with my husband. I figure if he wants it, he will let me know. I just get so caught up in being a mom I am so tired when we wants to have seX. And you are right, it’s always when I’m about to fall asleep he starts feeling me up and I give in because I know he needs it, but I have the hurry up and get it over with attitude. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying these things on this forum… I have not had a climax with my husband in 2 years. To me it’s no big deal but it is really affecting my husband. I didn’t realize how much so until I caught him watching poRn. When I confronted him he said he knows it’s wrong and always feels shame and guilt, but that he watches it because he feels inadequate for not being able to get me to climAx. He also says he has a hard time getting “in the mood” because he feels like when we have sex I compare him to past partners. Which I never do. Ever. I understand that I in a way i caused this with my attitude towards seX. But I never ever compare him to past lovers. I love him and I want to get that wildness back when we first got together. But there are times I feel like he objectifies me and has in a way since the beginning. He could walk in the door and undress me and try to have sex without even kissing me, and not understand I want to be romanced. I am sorry if this is too much. He is a very proud man and I have no one to talk to or turn to for Advice.
While looking at this list, it sounds more like me than him. I have a higher desire for sex than he does. So 1-11 are exactly how I feel with him. Then I feel like something is wrong with me. I ALWAYS initiate. I never really enjoy it bc I always have the thought that he doesn’t really want to. So, yes if you are holding out on your spouse whether you are the wife or husband, please figure out a compromise. The Lord realized that this is something very special and necessary in the marriage so the bible tells you not to deny this from your spouse. If the only person your spouse wants and fantacizes about is you, why hold back? Good article!!!
What happens if it’s the other way around? Where the wife is constantly asking the husband to have sex with her and he doesn’t want to?
Same thing I was wondering. I have just been praying for wisdom on this in regards to my husband. The other day he was ready for the first time in over 2 months and I wanted to but my body would not react. I felt so awkward and just ended up pleasuring him bc I didn’t want him to feel rejected. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you and your husband too. Its hard on any spouse to be rejected in any way, but specifically in sex bc you feel like you aren’t really what they want for that or like you’re bad at it or something. I will be praying for myself and you as well.
I read this in it’s entirety. It’s a reflection of our intamite relationship, only in reverse. It’s as if I were the husband and he the wife. I have considered divorce over this very frustrating part of our marriage. I love my husband like no other. We work very well together in most areas of our relationship but intimately, we are just about dead. I feel that I have tried everything and what I may have not tried, I am affraid of failing due to ALL of the rejection. So what’s next?
Truly place me the wife in the spot of the man on all this I’m so confused thank you great post…
I found most of this stuff complete BS…. I agree with 8 but half of this is not true and the other half is half arsed. But maybe that’s because I feel in our realationship (my husband an i’s) we are reversed. 1-7 is completely me and 9 , 10, and 11 me too… But can say it’s mostly not him at all. I’m the female and want sex constantly I could go like 3 times a day if allowed , he is comfortable with once every few weeks or so.
I don’t need to read those to my husband to know that he will agree with every last word. These are things he has been communicating with me for years. It’s a constant work in progress but this is a great reminder.
I have made an honest effort to at least have sex 3 times a week so that seems to keep everyone happy.
I have a question. What if it’s the other way around? I always want to make love to my husband and want him to want me and to try new things. It’s hard for me because he seems to go for days if not weeks without it and I can’t. And I can’t help but think there is something wrong with me.
You are not alone!!! For me, my husband can go for months without sex. He always will say its not me and that he just doesn’t care about sex that much. So I have to always initiate and most times get rejected. So it leaves me feeling like I’m doing something wrong or he’s not attracted to me or he had better before we got back together so now there’s no thrill for it there. But I don’t like it at all. And after all the self doubt, I just get upset. My only advice is prayer on it. It gives you more peace to still act right with hubby and draw in intimacy in others ways not in the bedroom. Also, sit him down and let him know your frustrations… If he won’t listen, write it out…good things about him and your marriage and your love for who he is and then let him know your need for physical intimacy with him. It will at least put it on the table and he can walk in understanding with you as his wife. If we fuss and argue, they shut down, so better to go to him humbly with your heart. You may not get it as often as you want still, but you know he knows. I’m close with my husband and we love each other more than ever but in the sex arena we still struggle on how much works for me and for both to initiate instead of me all the time. But its not you!!! Don’t get in that headspace bc when you all actually do have sex you will think to much during and not enjoy the time you all are having together… That’s my experience anyway. I hope this gives some comfort. I will pray for you all too.
WoaaaaW thnks alot guys I think us wife’s did these things as girlfriends lol bt I don’t knw why we change so much maybe it’s new things tht take up our time like our kids :) bt I will never forget to do these things for my Husband. Thnks again.
Hi So I just read this hopeing to find some insight at how to get my husband to want more sex…. And everything you wrote describes exactly how I feel so its not just men who feel this way women want this too! I feel like my sex drive is way higher then my husbands.
I am reading this post 3 years after the original posting but it couldn’t be more timely for me. We have been struggling as of late because of the issues addressed in this list. I have forgotten to be the woman my husband married and become uncomfortable with my body and its mommyness. That has caused enough strain that my husband is close to throwing in the towel. I came across this looking for something else and am soooo thankful I did. I now understand where my husband has been coming from and plan to rectify it immediately. Thank you (and your husband) for your honesty….you may have just saved my relationship.
This article is GREAT! My husband and i have been married for almost 20yrs. We are best friends and have always been close. We love Jesus and our life is centered in serving God. After a handful of hardships in our life. Kids, work, illnesses, deaths, etc. I shut down a bit. Not intentionally, but subconsciously. My husband could feel it (obviously), but I still love/loved him and was/am crazy about him. He was treated badly sexually by his first wife, so when I shut down, it struck a fear/frustration in him. This lasted for a few years. We still had sex once in a while, but not enough. :( He started to reminisce, look at pornography and long for many women he came into contact with daily. He really just wanted to be loved and touched by me. I hadn’t realized how much time was going by. We were both praying for a restoration, but we weren’t aware of the others prayers. God started showing me that tomorrow isn’t promised to me/us, it’s now or never. We aren’t getting any younger! I am 40yrs he is 50yrs. I pressed in, this is how I found this blog. A few months ago, he came in from working in the yard, I was folding laundry, he leaned over to kiss me and I felt like I had been ignited into flames. We had passionate sex/love then and there. I have been on fire ever since. We talked “everything” out, I understand completely now because he explained it all to me. I wasn’t offended by anything, and neither was he, because I was guilty of reminiscing also. The marriage bed is not defiled before God and in His system married people become one before Him. We are not supposed to deprive or deny either spouse. Unless, terrible illnesses, etc. That was part of my problem, I have ulcerative colitis and was very sick often during my 30s , he was over worked, etc. I cannot begin to explain the joy I see in His face, eyes and even the joy in His actions, voice, etc. He is elated and so am I. We are like college kids again. I love pleasing him and him me. We know God touched us, because we wanted to be touched and make a change. No looking back! I plan naughty stuff for us daily and have never felt more at ease. He can’t believe it! Neither one of us never want life to get in the way for so long ever again. And, if God takes one of us tomorrow(God forbid!), then at least we will both know what complete love in marriage before God is. <3 I will pray for all couples here because life is too short and pressing in for your spouse benefits both. Husbands need to be respected and their monuments worshipped and wives need to be cherished and adored.
I’m with a few others that replied. My husband s gorgeous, very fit but has a low sex drive. It’s so frustrating to be with a man who doesn’t go crazy over your body. I’ve had that in every relationship but never dreamed I would be in this situation now. Now our children are off to college and I’m ready to go, he is sometimes interested but mostly not. Not sure where to go from here. Anyone been there and figured it out successfully?
While I understand and get, even agree with somethings on this list, I feel like this list is saying wife’s MUST submit to their husbands every wish and desire. It sounds as though even if the wife is sick as long as she can still give a hand job then she is obligated to do so. That is crap. The world does not revolve around a husbands sexual desires. When you become a wife it does not mean that you can never say no to sex. Wife’s have off days too, and wife’s shouldn’t be made to feel like we need to “preform” just to please, this will make us resent sex, not look forward to it and will no doubt drive a wedge in the relationship. Wife’s are not on this earth to be sure every urge is taken care of, husbands need to learn to sometimes take care of their “releases” themselves. I did say sometimes, before all you get stirred up. A wife is an equal partner in this relationship, not someone to only serve a man.
Kristin, that is in no way what was being implied, it was just trying to let wives know the value it has for their husband.
I find that my husband gets hugely turned on to my moan and when i show reactions to what hes doing men get into this
I needed to read this post. I’m commenting on it even given its age but it was so reassuring to me as a wife and helped me learn so much about what my husband was rallying sayING to me. We have been under so.much stress and I’ve been making sex all about me lately. I’ve been very blind and deaf to his needs because I didn’t understand them. This was an eye opener for me.
This was absolutely inspiring to me. This is how my Husband acts towards me, like I’m the best thing since Ice Cream. I have been hindering a lot of anxieties ect. So in reality I don’t think there is anything wrong. Just a lot of conjuring up things in my own head. Thanks for the advise
I absolutely love this. It helped so much and I never thought to “surprise” him.
Now I’ve surprised him with sexy clothing (if you know what I mean). But I never thought to go in the livingroom and take him, haha. Brilliant!!
I find majority of this to be true…except I’m the one pulling tricks for the attention.. i googled this hoping to find answers, but now left even more hopless and upset that he should be tempting me!
So sad to read this because is usually the other way around, sometimes guys have a lot going on stress at work etc.. but u should be patient maybe try new thing like this blog said don’t you give up girl 😜💪😎👌👅💧💦🔥
I completely agree with everything you wrote I can imagine how much this will help my husband & I 😀you made me see things that i couldnt understand 👌 thank you for the tips i will do my best to follow them ✔babysteps but i will do it 😎 there is nothing i want more than to have a happy husband 💏 !! Thank you ☺
I thought the list was helpful. Although
I’m the one asking for it and trying to get it wen I can. It’s seems he’s the one not interested making me feel rejected all the time….I excuse it away by saying “oh he’s just tired ” but in reality I feel gross and that I’m NOT what he thinks of. Wer in our early 40s. And lately he’s just not interested. I wish he found me sexy. I just don’t believe he does. We have sex maybe once a month if I’m lucky. 😞 Hopefully he’ll desire me again. i should note wev been together since we were 14. And I find him the sexiest he’s ever been as we get older. I would hope that he would reacted like some of these husbands to the suggestions, But I don’t think he will….thank for the list I might try some.
Idk I’ve done all that and more my husband still won’t have sex with me. I am begging him and everything at this point. I just think it has to be because my body changed after kids. All he wants are these young skinny girls in porn. No matter how I beg him he chooses that over me. Idk I’ve about given up. I guess I gotta accept no one wants a fat 137 lbs 26 year old especially my husband who is 39… yet I must nor be young and sexy beautiful pretty enough for him to never choose me. He hates having to even try to touch me and he hates me trying to touch him. I’ll do anything and everything anywhere any way anytime. It still doesn’t matter. I’m not young and skinny anymore. Not a size 0 and 100 lbs soaking wet. I am just at loss here. This hurts so much. :(
Reading this article helped make so much sense out of how my husband is. Now I know how to respond. This helped me a lot thanks
Great information you shared. Some of the things you mentioned we’ve done. Thanks for sharing
I have learn a lot and I’m willing to make my husband happy
So what happens when it is reversed? I am the woman and display all the characteristics you are describing where my husband is the much more reserved one. We never entirely matched sexually, as I am much more outgoing than he ever was. But now its getting so boring that I am constantly faking it and waiting until he goes to work to pull out my toys and the porn. I’m dying to have passionate sex outside of the bed and not in the middle of the night. I like taking risks, feeling the thrills, mmm… such a turn on. But he refuses. I love him with all my heart but the only time we have half decent sex is when he was completely drunk. Yes, I took advantage of him – its the only way I would be satisfied. Now he gave up drinking entirely and I feel like a 90 year old couple. :( I know I put on some weight and he doesn’t like it at all but come on we all have needs. I know 100% he isn’t cheating. But the lack of sexual satisfaction is seriously putting a damper on our relationship. Last night, I logged onto a woman looking for woman site just to see if I could find someone for oral thinking “a woman isn’t that bad- is it really cheating” and a few minutes later I couldn’t believe that I was even looking for it. Please help
Thank you for this post. Sometimes reading the feelings and emotions of someone “removed” from your relationship helps to hit home the points without anyone getting upset. There are a lot of valid points in this post regardless of religious standing and we can all work to be better for our spouses. Hopefully this post continues to help new relationships which are struggling to get closer to each other. Thanks again!
Thank you….after 43yrs of marriage and a betrayal with a prostitute I finally know what I did not know then…..the Bible says: due to lack of knowledge my people perish…….!
This makes me sound like a husband and my boyfriend sound like the wife… Maybe he should read this lol
Perfectly wrote
OH DEAR GOHD THANK YOU!! Seriously, I have read through mounds of these kind of ‘improving your sex life’ articles, and not only is this the first that is even remotely accurate but it is bang on! I’ve seen woman bloggers suggest that men want sex so much because we worship our own genitals so much; a comment so wrong I can hardly address properly. Or just as bad that woman have to just ‘suck it up'(so to speak) and have sex with their husbands because -basically- men are weak and dumb and they’ll cheat eventually if you don’t. WE LOVE OUT WIVES ANS WANT TO FEEL CONNECTED. Sex is a major way how. Not too convoluted, right? would gave thought it pretty simple. Any view which suggests that we’re not aloud to want to connect that way, or that it’s not what we SHOULD care about is just weird at best and insulting and demeaning at worst. If a husbands asks what his wife would like to do Friday night and she says ‘just a nice dinner alone together’ you’d get why it would be a bad response for the husband to say “pfft. That’s not a good want. I don’t want to do that.”. You don’t want to have to beg to have us do nice things for you, or shoot them down when you do ask; don’t do the same to us. Compare how you feel when your hubby just starts rubbing your feet for you to you being turned down repeatedly even after having asked. Sex is tricky enough and a much more daunting task for husbands as it stands; there’s generally a fairly small chance of men being ‘dissapointed’ after nearly any time, but we don’t really get to just sit back, generally speaking.
Anyway, I’ve clearly ranted here and didn’t intend to. Thank you so much for writing this, its a psychological breath of fresh air, even if it did come from Gerad here and not my wife ;). For any women here, please listen to this man. We love you, we want to feel close to you. Sex is important to us, especially once married. It’s really not too much more complex than that.
I think these ideas are awesome but my husband is like the opposite we used to be intimate at the beginning of our marriage now its like once every month or two months we do anything and I question him about it and he says he just isn’t about sex much anymore is it something I’m doing wrong or is there any ideas on what I should try to kinda get him back in the swing of things?
Ok. All these tips make sense and it’s all completely reasonable. But I’m really confused and frustrated because I feel like I’m constantly asking HIM for sex. I feel these roles are switched. When I finally convince him, the sex is decent and we connect for the most part, but he makes me feel like the act is a chore. When I try to talk to him, his excuses are “I’m too tired”, “I’m exhausted and work a lot”. He says I don’t make him feel good about himself but I’m always saying he’s handsome, I desire him, I love him… Hell, other women have crushes on him and consider him a pretty boy. I try to give him space and let him come to me but then it doesn’t happen at all. He doesn’t make me doubt his loyalty and I believe when he says I’m the only women for him but I still don’t understand…