I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was mid morning on a summery July day. We were at the doctors office for a follow-up ultrasound. They had said we needed it because there may have been a problem with the baby’s brain stem, I forgot. I knew God would take care of us so I went in with the same trust and joy I always did. The minute the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong (this was my third pregnancy). The tech left the room and I had to tell Gerad something was wrong, he didn’t realize. The doctor came in and tried to be as gentle with us as possible, but there’s no way to gently tell a couple they lost the baby they were dreaming about. I had big dreams for this baby. The next couple of weeks were long, grief stricken weeks for me. Our marriage suffered greatly. Gerad didn’t understand how I felt, I didn’t understand how he could act like nothing happened. We had to learn how to relate to each other. I had to learn his style of grief and he mine. (His side of the story here.)
We got through it … I thought. The problem was, our marriage just wasn’t the same. I felt like I was over the grief of losing the baby but didn’t realize I was full of fear. I was afraid to have sex, somehow I had connected sex with the miscarriage; not that it caused it, but that I might have to feel that same pain again. I retreated from Gerad. I told him I loved him, I did everything I could to show him I loved him (except the very thing he needed). I did all the right things on the outside, I was cleaning the house, cooking dinner, serving him in very outward ways trying to keep it all together. God used this time to teach me something very significant; I desired my husband to be understanding and willing to listen when I needed to talk about the baby and Gerad needed me to need him, to connect through sex so he knew and could see how much I loved him.
I believe God used this as a huge turning point in our marriage. I turned to God to deal with the fear I was feeling, I confessed the fear to Gerad and told him God and I were working on it. God spoke to me and taught me many things about Gerad I didn’t know or understand. I began to understand my husband’s (and most guys) need for sex, it wasn’t just that one thing that he asked from me just to inconvenience me. I learned and began to understand he really NEEDED me. My attitude changed, and I began to accept the love my husband had for me. I learned I hadn’t really fully healed and dealt with the miscarriage, but when I chose to accept my husband the way God created him (even if he did want sex every three days and I really didn’t) I could be open with Gerad and began to heal my broken heart.
As time went by, God healed my heart and marriage from the pain of the miscarriage. I became pregnant again and we had another child. God used it to remind me His plans for me as a wife and mother. After a few months time, I experience an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage; I felt the familiar pain again. As I was processing the grief I knew I had a choice to make. I chose to learn from the past and choose my marriage; God healed my heart again. I wish I could say there was this “light bulb” moment where it all came together in a really beautiful way. The truth is, it’s a daily choice I have to make. Maybe you haven’t had a miscarriage, maybe you have, but processed it different than me; there is one thing I know, God cares deeply about your marriage. He wants you to come to Him with everything about your marriage. He has all the answers you will ever need.
*This was originally a guest post on The Warrior Wives