Vulnerability

22 May

Ok, ladies.  Hopefully I’m not the only one who has felt this way before…

Your hubby decides to “pursue” you.  You move into the bedroom and instantly you get uncomfortable.  The lights are on, and suddenly you are very aware of every curve of your body and the stretch marks from your kiddos (maybe that’s just me) and no matter what your hubby says it doesn’t matter.  You remain self-conscious.  You don’t want to be this vulnerable. 

Maybe you could turn the lights down, light a few candles, set the mood.  Do something, anything, so he doesn’t have to stare at your naked body.*

Here’s what I’ve discovered.  When I tell Gerad “let’s talk” or “I really need to talk to you” or “It’s been a crazy day here, can I just talk it out?” he knows I am “pursuing” him not sexually but emotionally.  I talk and he can listen comfortably, but the minute I want Gerad to communicate in a deeper way he becomes like I do in the bedroom, self-conscious, uncomfortable.  He doesn’t want to be this vulnerable

When we were first married I longed for Gerad to pour his heart out to me, about anything and everything.  I wanted to have long conversations with him like we did when we were dating (looking back I talked A LOT!)  I’ve learned there are things I can do to help deepen our communication, setting the mood emotionally.
When Gerad opens up to me during a conversation and really lays it out there, I must STOP talking.  I have to listen, and really listen, no more formulating what I’m going to say in response to what he’s saying.  He’s not one of my girlfriends, he doesn’t need me babying him through the situation.  He needs me to be his wife, caring and loving, listening to what he is saying, then talking.
I need to make sure he knows I am worthy of his trust.  He needs to know whatever he decides to say to me, is going no where.  Whatever he says is safe with me, however big or small it is; I will act lovingly, even if it hurts my feelings.
He also needs to know I am his biggest cheerleader.  I will back the decisions he makes, I will rejoice in his successes and I will encourage him through tough times.

So, to sum it up

  • STOP TALKING
  • Live worthy of his trust
  • Be his cheerleader

Do you have any other ways to “set the mood emotionally?”

*I don’t believe our relationship should be like that all the time.  There are times where we are more self-conscious and would like a little mood lighting, but we should also allow our hubbies the chance to see the beautiful woman God gave to him.
 
 
 
 Linked to Time Warp Wife Titus 2sday,  Women Living Well Wednesdays, To Love, Honor and Vacuum Wifey Wednesdays, The Alabaster Jar and The Better Mom

5 Responses to “Vulnerability”

  1. Jenn May 22, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    This is great Valerie! I had never really thought about it that way, but you’re right. My husband always gets that “deer in the headlights” look if I bring up a subject when he wasn’t prepared for it… and the conversation tends to go nowhere. The hardest thing I have found for me personally in marriage is to know when to say something and to know when to shut up. I tend to be very long winded and can talk about anything – and my husband isn’t. So not only do I pick my battles, but I also have to save the real important conversations for when he is ready and open to hear them. Anyway, great post! :)

    • Valerie May 22, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      Thanks Jenn, Gerad often gets that look too. This whole idea came up one night when I was trying to have serious conversation with him and wanting him to open up. It’s really helped me curb my love of talking :)

  2. Elizabeth@Warrior Wives May 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Good thoughts…it does take a while to learn to read our husbands and figure out how to best communicate with each other. I had to smile at your comment about him not being your best girlfriend…my husband always tells me, “I’m not a girl! I’m not going to respond like a girl!”

  3. Pearl June 16, 2012 at 11:35 am #

    You know, I had never thought about how vulnerable it must make my hubby feel to share his emotions. Also, you are absolutely right that we need to be trustworthy of what is shared. I’ve had to learn how to make it ‘safe’ for him to share by not over reacting when things he says make me uncomfortable. Nothing shuts him down quicker. Great Thoughts!!!

  4. livinginblurredlines September 12, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

    I never thought that how vulnerable and uncomfortable I feel while undressed under the glaring bedroom light would be a mirror image of how vulnerable and uncomfortable my husband feels about opening up emotionally. Funny thing is, my husband is an emotional man, but he does have a hard time communicating. It mostly gets released in a spur of the moment passion about something completely unrelated!

    Recently, we had a big talk. I had bottled up issues that exploded within me and hubby cornered me and expected me to pour it all out, but when I did and part of the problem required him to open up and answer some questions, he balked and wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He prodded me for 5 solid minutes to open up, yet he couldn’t/wouldn’t. We are working on this.

    I realized a few days later that I don’t really KNOW my husband. He’s almost always just given me the “what he thinks I want to hear” answer, but really, I want to KNOW him. I ask him honestly what I can do to be a better wife, and he gives me the “you’re perfect just the way you are” answer and I’m like, “come on! Give me something!” Consequently, when I cannot read his mind or I have to assume something and I end up wrong, he withdraws.

    We’re both losers at communicating with each other, but thank and praise God the tide has turned and we’re learning to win at it. Slowly. Very slowly.

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